In and Out of These Melodies

World AIDS Day: Kefilwe's Story

2010-12-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

Here is an excerpt form my most recent blog post:

"My momma's got AIDS" the little girl whispered. It was one of those whispers that is so quiet that it knocks your breath away, like a sonic boom. Her skin was like copper, hardened, darkened, but smoother than silk. She had a pock-mark on the corner of her forehead, near where her coarse, black hair began to embrace her head. I couldn't help but think that she looked beautiful."

Please read the rest of the story (and comment) from this link, below:

http://elisasue.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/world-aids-day-a-story/

Pray for a Recently Attacked Village in Burma

2010-07-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

This makes me sad, knowing this is just happening. This sounds like a typical genocidal displacement the Burmese Army has been conducting with regularity for years. They target villages of minorities and/or minority religions (like Christians, as in this village) and randomly attack them, trying to kill or at least hurt those in the village. Can you take a few minutes to pray for those in this village today? I don't know much about this ministry, although I have received their updates for awhile.The idea of making cards and sending them to encourage those who survived seemed to be a cool idea. I haven't researched the organization enough for me to recommend donating to them. Below is the email I received (Somewhat in thick Christianese).

-----------------------------

Brothers and sisters,

If you are reading this, I am confident in the Lord in you, that the recent events of which I shall describe will be prayed over fervently. On July 22nd an entire village was assaulted and razed to the ground in E. Burma. This might not mean that much, perhaps a blip of news from a faraway country that has problems like this all the time, I pray and trust it means not so to thee. As I prepare to send my team leader in before the sun shines this very moment, hiding in the jungle are countless men, women and children. The casualty total is not known just yet, nor will it be soon. The very pulpit of a church in which my Pastor, Joe Tuccinardi, myself, and other brothers have preached in is ashes. The very schools that were built with men's hands through the donations of some blessed brethren stand no more. As I write and hear the monsoon rains I know our brothers and sisters in Christ are burying their dead, hiding in the forest, wet, cold and hungry. This is one of the brazen attacks recently, and there shall be more. As I met with some strong brothers in the Lord this evening/night, as they prepare to answer God's call on their lives going back "home" tomorrow, we lose not hope. We are not discouraged, we are not destroyed, we will not give up in believing that God shall use this according to His Will, that His sovereign hand was upon all the comings and goings of the Burmese Army. We prayed for the "enemy", knowing that they are just in darkness, blind, needing love, compassion and grace to touch their hearts now. We prayed for all those who are mourning, who have lost more than loved ones, who have no other desire but to till the land and worship Christ peacefully. More than likely this very moment that you are reading this someone is being raped, someone is starving to death, someone is burying their child but they, nor we shall lose hope, for our hope does not disappoint. Now is the time to pray more than ever, if I am a voice crying in the wilderness, so be it, I shall call upon the God of Jacob, the Lord of Hosts for only His arm is not shortened, it can save. Until I have official clearance to release the full report of this massacre, God knows its name and more importantly His sheep that dwell within it. Pray with us please, your prayers change things. I am unworthy and so blessed to be laying next to my "miracle" son, and my wonderful wife right now. I don't deserve to have a roof over my head for my Savior had none, I don't have a right to breathe if not for Christ. As the faces and voices of the brothers and sisters in Muthraw District play over and over in my mind, only smiles, laughing, praying, worshiping, working hard with our hands, enduring hardship without a single complaint are their personifications. I know not which ones I will see on this earth again, but I am confident that right now some are in a glorious new body, in the presence of the glory of the throne of God.

Weep with those who weep, yay, rejoice with those who rejoice, but I encourage thee ne'er to be tween the two, ne'er be in doubt, for our God is mighty, holy and the great I AM. Please direct your prayers towards Muthraw District, E. Burma, specifically as the Holy Spirit imparts unto thee, or don't if you have not the time, we still love you the same only because He loved us first.

I am writing this as fast as possible, and prayerfully tomorrow the first load of relief will arrive, but God is there and here now, so pray, I beseech thee, as you have been so faithful before to do. If you feel like writing I will make sure whatever you send (letters, postcards, a hand drawn picture) will be hand delivered to a weary soul in search of a cold cup of water, good news from a far country. If you are moved with compassion to be a part of giving immediate assistance, please don't hesitate, bibles, rice, plastic tarps, pots, baby clothes and medicine will get to those who need it, and we will rebuild the schools, the churches and the homes, so after the landmines are cleared and the SPDC retreats, warmth and love and fellowship in Christ will continue. All information is below, all wisdom, power and authority is above, go boldly before the throne of God.

Unworthy to die for Christ,
P. James and the Love in Action team E. Burma
"Please don't pray that God takes away whatever sufferings He has for us, we thank Him, please pray we may be steadfast and have strength to be faithful until the end"- Thera Doh **** **, Karen Pastor of the main church that was burnt down when I asked him what does he want prayer for.

Mailing address:
LIA c/o James Garwood
P.O. Box 67
Mae Sariang, Mae Hong Son
Thailand, 58110

Paypal donations:fordomosake@gmail.com

In USA email Pastor Joe Tuccinardi for more details thaicalvary@aol.com

Love in Action

5353 Steamboat Way

Boise, ID 83713

In Search of the Refugee Resettlement Office

2010-06-28T14:25:00.000-04:00

Today I tried to carry out an ambitious idea that I had last Sunday, June 20th, on Refugee Awareness Day. I got the kids ready, looked up information about the nearby refugee programs, and took off. It didn't matter that I didn't know their office hours and no one was answering the phone. Yet, luckily, while on my way, I was smart enough to call multiple times before I actually went too far. To my disappointment, no one ever answered the phone. I made a few pit stops, hoping to eventually hear from them. Finally I recognized I probably shouldn't drive out to their main office in Arlington without at least knowing if they were open.

So, I guess this adventure will have to be completed some other time. I wonder if what it will end up being. Will we end up donating things? Or will it be more of a commitment, helping someone learn English? Or maybe our church's ministry, L2F Needs Network can adopt a refugee family. At least I can explore the options, right?

Maybe you guys can hold me accountable to following through with one of my many ideas!

Oh, the Many Opinions We All Sing: Truth, AIDS, & Worldviews

2010-05-15T17:55:00.000-04:00

We all already have so many opinions. What becomes slightly more difficult is having truth. Sometimes I doubt. In fact, I often do. I live in an American Dream, where science influences culture, and people do whatever is right in their own eyes. Sometimes, it just seems like whatever is right to us, just might actually be right. I get tired of convincing people that divorce is not good, that letting your kids do whatever they want is fine, or, mainly, that we are falling short of what is best for us when we just working for our own happiness. It feels like I'm always hitting my head against a brick wall. As I am somewhat rational on occasion, it seems a valid question to ask, "heck, do I have to hit my head against this wall all the time?" or "Do I have to always think backwards of popular culture?" Sometimes there seems to be truth beyond what I claim is truth. I wonder if I really just take what tickles my ears, calling that alone truth. If it fits into my worldview, great. If not, do I just discard all the rest, rather than change my worldview to fit what is truth?

I don't think these are abnormal questions. In fact, they seem healthy. Once, a long time ago, I decided I would follow truth whatever truth was. Because otherwise I would just believe something that was easy for me to believe, what I want to believe. And, especially, if I am going to raise my kids under a certain belief, or I am going to encourage others to believe what I believe, then dude, I better be only espousing truth!

I watched a video of a conference last night concerning AIDS and public policy. Although it was a topic I am interested in, it was a view point I probably wouldn't have preferred. I'm not the type of person who likes to hand out clean needles and condoms, even if every study on the subject does show that public policy based on promoting these keeps AIDS and HIV prevalence down. Of course, they are obviously not always the only way to keep AIDS down. Therefore I prefer to focus on things that I am more morally comfortable with, like putting an end to HIV spread through mother-to-child. Yet, what should I value more? My Christian worldview might say that passing out clean needles and condoms encourages sin. Yet, on the other hand, why should I expect moral behavior from people who don't follow God? Or, even more so, doesn't God care more about people living long enough to find God, than obeying rules which are only in place to show us a need for God, and helping us live a life in the best way (with lasting relationships, and being free of addiction, in the case of these rules).

And, as we go through life, questions or challenges to our worldview are normal, unless we are super skilled at avoiding them. We all have choices in belief like this. Especially if you are already advocating something. I care about hurting people around the globe. So, of course, I am ever being faced with trying to figure out the best way to help them. You might care about your kids learning valuable lessons at soccer practice. I don't know what you care about. But when you discover something irking you, its probably because you care about something and/or your worldview is being challenged. There are somethings we like to avoid because we don't feel comfortable with really grappling with what we believe on a subject.

Personally, not only do I want to avoid the work to figure out what I should believe, being too lazy, yet, I am annoyed with discovering what truth is. Oh, the internet is wonderful. And, the internet can back up whatever we want to believe. Even scholarly sources are often biased, although most of what I research comes from those. There is always the ever so slight possibly there is a conspiracy going on. Heck, if you want to, you can go join the "Society of the World is Flat," or whatever this group is called which still choose to believe that the globe, indeed, is not a globe. Is that ignorance, arrogance, or bliss?

After attempting to sort through whatever information is available on whatever topic, its easy to cop-out and declare everything as truth or conveniently stick with whatever we already believed (i.e., worldview we grew up within). Then we all go around either being annoyed someone is trying to tell us something different, or we laugh at people who sincerely believe something is true which is an abnormal belief in popular cultural. All while getting mad when someone attacks our own abnormal beliefs. But, I got news for you, though: NOT EVERYTHING IS TRUE! Not everything can be true. And, not everything that is obvious to me, will be as obvious to you. No wonder God calls for those who share His truth to be humble as well as confident. Why should anyone listen to you if you are not humble and respectful? Beliefs do not like to be trampled upon and worldviews do not change in a moment.

And hence, I get tired. There are so many opinions being sung, while the choir is chanting a cultural American march and the choir of the Southeast Asia is chanting their chant, and even the Russian Mob choir has their own special tune. My point is, there are so many cultural, and subcultural frameworks. Within these, there are so many personal opinions, as well. I guess that means we are all trying to figure something out. It would be a little discouraging to believe that this searching is just entirely meaningless.

And I, Elisa is over here, singing her own tune. But really, she is trying to be in tune with what she believes is the meaningful melody. She isn't always sure if it is. She is open to truth, yet skeptical when truth is claimed and opinions are offered to her. I don't know right from wrong. I don't know life from death. I can't promise what I will believe tomorrow is the same. Yet today, I will sing about God's love, Jesus life, and hope for the suffering. Today I choose to believe that is truth; I believe that makes our world a better place.

ABWE, Inc. (2007-2010). Overview. Good Soil: Evangelism and Discipleship. Retrieved May 15, 2010 from http://www.goodsoil.com/overview/

Earth Day: Being Green, Trendy, and Advocating for a Cause

2010-04-22T15:23:00.001-04:00

I once heard some very smart person say that the people whose beliefs are most suited for celebrating Earth Day, are Christians. Why? Well, because we believe we are given a gift of creation. We are part of that creation which has purpose, while the opposing view is that chance made us part of an earth that apparently exists and is still evolving. Yet, we have a gift we are challenged to be good stewards of. We believe in life. Whether this is saving a baby, saving a whale, or saving a baby whale, it is our responsibility. So, Happy Earth Day!

Now, let me make myself clear. I am not a vegetarian or a vegan, even though I like to shop at farmer's markets. I believe God gave us this earth to use its resources. But using is different than misusing. Sure, you can call me a tree-hugger. In fact, in an hour or so I am going to be planting baby trees with some teens. I sometimes use reusable shopping bags and I use cloth diapers on my baby's booty. I grew up in California, where we think the whole world recycles in perfect harmony. Its something kids do for fun on a Saturday morning, instead of watching cartoons. We also like to save the whales on Saturdays. Saturdays are busy days in California. Really, though, I should confess, I can be obsessive about recycling. In fact, just the day before yesterday I was fuming mad because our new recycling service will not take "clam-shells" (the plastic things that strawberries and such come in). The audacity! Lastly, in effort to prove where I stand when it comes to being "green," I hate pesticides, and harsh chemicals (besides bleach) because I have had bad experiences with them. I am far from a green activist, but I would say I am more green than the average Joe. Or Josephine.

And then, one day, I realized everyone else thought being green was cool. The cheapest shirts I can find for my kids from Target or Walmart have "Save the Earth" written on them. I remember having a distinct conversation with my cousin about how we were grossed out by how being green became a trend. But, since I believe I am at the front-line of the trend (whether true or not), I am okay with it. You see, I don't mind being a trend-setter. I only mind being a trend-lager. Which, mind you, is not a type of beer.

Some characteristics of human nature influence the way we are green, besides just flowing down the trend-pipe. Psychology has a term for when everyone doesn't do something because they think someone else will. I don't know what it is, although I can assure you I have studied it. For example, if there is a crime, and there are many people to witness it, its more likely that no one will actually call the police. Also, in CPR training, we are taught to direct a specific person to call 911, or else that too likely won't happen. On a similar, although different stream, humans tend to do another illogical thing I don't know the term for. This is an example: if I feel like I did a good job running a mile today, I will happily go home a drink a 900 calorie milkshake.

All of these things can apply to being green. If everyone is doing something for the planet, its okay if I don't do something. Or, since I bought Seventh Generation soap today, I can justify cleaning my bathroom with the unknown ingredient death killer cleaner. Therefore, the way the human mind thinks mixed with being green solely for the coolness factor, doesn't necessarily change much to make our planet better. It might a little; it is better than nothing. Yet, if you actually care about creation, challenge yourself to take a next step. Especially if your motivation is it to honor God, rather than be part of a trend.

I read this article today that my husband sent me which I mostly fully agreed with. Take a skim:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/236722/page/1

Often, what this article is talking about can be applied to activism in general. Activism is an art. You motivate for a cause, which many people just don't really care about. They might care, but not enough to really do something about it that is meaningful. I read a study the other day which was talking about how the whole cause to end genocide in Darfur has almost single handily been brought about through activism. This is amazing! This proves that in our global, technological world, being an advocate for a cause makes a difference and can actually start a global movement. Everyone has heard of Darfur, thanks to awareness campaigns, new organizations that have been birthed, and just everyday, grassroots movements coming from average people like you or me. Even so, the main people who really can make a serious difference, by forcing change, are governments and international organizations. Who haven't done too much.

Why do I bring this up? Thanks to people advocating for Darfur, there is money, political pressure, prayers, and support networks for those in the Darfur region. The good ol' activists have made a difference. And, at the same time, for a greater difference to be made, those with the most power (yes, bureaucracies) need more pressure.So, if you want to make a green difference, the same principle applies. You can't justifiably be claiming to make a serious difference unless you are also trying to create peaceful political pressure. I am not saying you need to write your congressman, but I think we do need to have our veil of ignorance fall off. The veil which allows us to pose as being trendy green while we really aren't willing to take the steps which are shown to have impact. I think it is okay if being more earth friendly is not your passion; its not mine. But I do want to honor God. Therefore I want to be responsible. And I want to use my minimal greenness to portray to my green friends about how Jesus probably didn't hate environmentalists (as so many cultural American Christians instead seem to portray, being very anti-"save the earth").

So, what are the lessons to be learned? Support a cause. Support caring for the earth (although, I highly suggest caring for the people of the earth, prioritizing that). But, as you support it, pick it up a notch. Do something more, something than has more value than just buying an overpriced piece of recycled paper that you can write on and throw in the trash. More importantly, move from just doing or being something because of a trend, to doing so because you care a smidgen. As you do that, you will rub off on other people. These other people might be doing it just because of the trendiness of it at first, but someday they might care about the cause, also.

Thank you God for this beautiful world you have blessed us with! Let your creation sing of your glory until Jesus comes back again, and makes a new world which will not fall apart on us!

What is Going in Life of Late

2010-04-17T15:55:00.001-04:00

Life has pretty much been the same ol' same ol' here in Northern Virginia. Not that I am complaining. As usual, I have an obsession, which of late has been my FADs (Friday Adventure Day). I started a blog about these weekly adventures, adding in traveling tips for moms with little kids at www.adventureday.wordpress.com. So far, I really haven't gotten too much done. I am learning a lot about official REAL blogging (not like this personal blog here) which is a whole new set of information to me. Web design, themes, and SLO & SEO was equivalent to SOS in my thinking when I started! Considering it was kinda throwing off my focus, I think God helped remind me that its all cool and I don't need to be obsessed. And, with that gentle reminder, I am not obsessed! I guess we will see where it ends up now, if anywhere.

Also, as is typical, I am still taking classes. I am so very ready to be done. Which is why it is especially nice that I will be done SOON- three more classes left! I have fun writing papers on poverty, justice issues, international relationships, and interpersonal relationships. I love what I learn, I just hate doing the work to learn it. This coming week I have a huge paper due on intercultural business. Fun, fun, fun! So, if I keep up with my homework after the kids are tucked in to their beds, I should graduate from Ashford University at the beginning of August. Thanks to Josh, the Hills, and Becky for getting me through this! I know I won't regret it!

And, as usual, I am still involved in my church, facilitating a Bible study, hanging out with the people in my SPHERE (and hopefully making a difference in their lives, as they often make in mine) and helping Jill out with L2F Needs Network. Within this past month I've been helping a Pakistani family settle into their new home in America after they fled religious persecution. L2F, other community members, and people in churches have almost entirely provided everything they need. Also, we collected, packed-up, and had a team deliver a bunch of stuff (baby necessities and medicine) to an area in Haiti which was very close to the earthquake epicenter, and is not very reachable to large relief organizations. Here is a cool video about it:

In addition, I have been trying to create a home-garden. Its a fun activity for us to do outside and, yes, it was my obsession just prior to the Adventure Day Blog. I think my obsessions are always semi-creative (music, cooking, blogging, painting, gardening) which might mean I can blame them on my partial artistic personality. I am even on the map as a Triscuit Home Garden! Wow, how THRILLING! Josh has even been adding to the flowers and vegetables, by practicing his slingshot off the porch, to his targets. Okay, I guess he doesn't shoot my plants, but its nice to all have something fun to do in the same area together outdoors.

Lastly, and most importantly, I've been taking care of the kids. I like them. They are growing up. Maybe in honor of Josiah's first birthday next month I'll actually write out his birth story! He still has no teeth, but he is cruising around pretty good. He is a happy baby. Sweet little Avi is a mischievous lover of her brother. I don't even know how to begin to describe Avilynne these days. Sometimes she makes my heart melt, yet other times I just want to lock her outside of our house. She is trying very hard to speak English, repeating our pronunciation of words over and over. I am terrible at pronunciation, as is she. But, unlike me, she is improving. Here is a link to a Spring 2010 photo album of them.

As always, if you haven't, please support Thai Song, and what is going on in the makings of this awesome inspired fair-trade organization. Buying a bag, which these sweet women create from nasty trash, helps change lives! Feel free to check out and support the co-director (yes, my cousin's) blog at: http://brittanyfox.missionsplace.com

So, these are the updates on the Johnston Family of late!

Problem Solving: Scrabble, Relationships, and Cars

2010-04-02T01:29:00.000-04:00

Yes, I realize the terms within this post are a little weird. I blame that on my applied psychology textbook. Yes, I know that its odd I am talking about a guy jumping out of a burning skyscraper. Really, it wasn't my idea. This post is responding to a specific prompt; it is a discussion essay I wrote for my current class, focusing on business psychology. I was really bored writing it, so I tried to liven it up a little bit with some scenarios which made it somewhat more entertaining for me. Besides, my professor asked for some real-world examples : )

Problem solving is a basic skill that ideally would be carried out by everyone, yet making healthy decisions is not always the order of the day. Many only rely on intuition to solve problems, which can actually be a great thing, if the experiences we have had in the past have built up our intuition to make healthy decisions. If a man jumped out of a skyscraper which was on fire, later contributing his survival to what he learned in business school, what he would be referring to would be the set of decision making skills he obtained in school. The way he responded in the crisis was by learning to view the need to make quick decisions as a catalyst, rather than resorting to emotions as the guiding factor. Responding to crisis, not considering the fire as a stressful situation, yet instead as an exciting opportunity to strategically think through is what he learned was most important. Possibly, after making good decisions in times past, he wired his intuition to act in a way which then saved his life.

The man who jumped out of the skyscraper learned a multi-step process to filter problems through. In our everyday life, beyond just in times of crisis, we can use the same set. For example, imagine you are playing

the game Scrabble. First, you recognize the problem scenario: you are challenged to put a seven letter word, beginning with the letter "z," in a spot which gives you triple-word score, yet somehow connects to the word "bubble." The second step is to analyze the cause or underlying factors of the problem: you want to win the game so that you will not lose a $50 bet to your Uncle Bobby-Joe who does not believe you can win an English-language game after studying Japanese abroad for the past three years. The next step in solving the problem is searching for creative alternatives. So, while your Uncle Bobby-Joe is guzzling down his coffee, you take your letter tiles, place them in front of you, and scramble them into every possible formation. You can make zroidbe, zoirlde, and zoudire (which you note, are not words). Then you discover you can connect to a "b" while arranging your letters just so. You can make "zebroid," which is a word (you remember a tour guide explaining that this is what you call the offspring of a zebra and a horse). You choose this word, making a decision, and then implement it, by setting the tiles down on the board. After, you evaluate your decision, which you found agreeable, as it gave you enough points to win the game and get an addition $50 in pocket-cash.

This above example might seem silly, yet even when we play games we make decisions. On a more serious note, many people might go through the same process when trying to overcome a difficulty in an estranged relationship, whether it be a spouse, a parent, or a friend. In this case recognizing what the problem is can be much more challenging, as there are often multiple problems. Even after journaling or going to counseling to analyze the root causes of the problems you have been having with whomever, knowing what to do about it can be just as challenging, if not more so. There are many other factors that can influence your decision such as your value system (such as, you don't believe in divorce), your knowledge (communication techniques), emotional intelligence (you feel so hurt or angry its hard to not be swayed by these feelings), personality, creativeness, and the politics surrounding the relationship. Even after weighing the pros and cons, and making a choice to try to reconcile the relationship, then you have to take the step. This step can be the hardest, as implementing a decision can require a lot of strength, time, resources and energy, let alone sometimes it requires help. Lastly, once again, you can evaluate the decision, whether it was the best thing for to continue this relationship, even if it required a lot of sacrifice.

The important actions we must take in having a successful ability to make good decisions is the ability to analyze, whether it be really spending time discovering what the problem is, or really thinking through possible solutions. In another life scenario, a decision I have been questioning for awhile, is what car should we buy and how and when should we buy it. As I am a creative person, also known as a dreamer or visionary, thinking of creative alternatives is one of my strong points. Creative people tend to make the most of problems in which the sky is the limit, but in this case, the boundary for creative alternatives is more like the size of a small cottage, if not confining cage. I cannot invent a new method of buying a car, let alone have the
skill to invent my own car. Also, another factor I struggle with is being easily influenced. I care a lot about being diplomatic and am always aware of inter-relational dynamics (political considerations). As I am a people-pleaser, I often don't want to make a decisions that might influence another, wanting them to be as happy with me as possible. This can cause me to worry that making the ethnic dinner, involving a combination of new flavors, might not be everyone else's favorite, and therefore I allow my level of emotional intelligence to hinder my decision to create. In the case of getting a car, I want my husband to be perfectly satisfied with whatever car we get, and I want it to be a good fit for our kids in addition just to the pros and cons I already am analyzing. I have been researching types of cars and their reviews from various sources, in addition to learning about how to get the best deal when buying a car new, used, down, or with a loan (and from where to get a loan). I often find myself overwhelmed by so much information that I experience analysis paralysis, in which I can't make a decision because there is too much information to accurately process. Even so, I am sure I will be able to make a better decision than I would otherwise, without taking everything into consideration, even if I am not convinced that it is "perfect." The one thing I learned from this section in our material was that I do not need to be indecisive as I am already well-equipped to make good decisions, thanks to my past experiences and the decision making process I already typically use. Instead of letting stresses, crises, time-constraints, emotions, too much information, or placing too much value on what everyone else might prefer affect my decisions, I should just enjoy the opportunities I have to solve problems, being energized as I let myself be creative in making decisions. Not surprisingly, this makes me feel a little more relaxed.

DuBrin, A. (2004). Applying psychology: Individual and organizational effectiveness (6^th Ed.). Upper Saddle River: Pearson / Prentice Hall.

Global Socioeconomic Perspectives: Sustainable Development

2010-03-22T13:17:00.000-04:00

The following is my intro & thesis for the class research paper in Global Socioeconomic Perspectives (International Relations, LIB 320). I am really proud of it, because it took me forever to say just what I wanted to say! If you have any grammar corrections, feel free to tell me before 2am EST.

As Americans, we tend to be focused on our own security, comfort, and happiness. Considering, what lies beyond our borders tends not to be our concern unless it profits one of the above American values. On occasion, there actually is awareness of the poverty and the issues associated with this poverty, which governs large portions of our globe. Often this awareness is created because of crises which peak our compassion, such as the Tsunami of 2004, or the recent earthquake in Haiti. Its not that we forget that there are still people living in hunger, after all, we tell our children to eat their food because those poor kids in Africa are still starving. Yet, this is just vaguely understood common knowledge, so far removed from our reality that we rarely actually feel any obligation to help. Instead we often work against humanity’s plight by increasing our own riches, even if unintentionally. Yet, on those valiant occasions where we do help, it often comes in the form of quick relief aid, which does not always foster sustainable development. Moving beyond indifference or brief compassion which our charity is typically guided by, rich nations need to have an awareness of and opportunities to invest in types of aid which does foster sustainable development, as to not create unnecessary dependence on foreign assistance.

Global Prayer Day for Burma

2010-03-14T15:38:00.001-04:00

I believe I might have written about Burma, before. Although my rumpled Spanish might seem like a clue that I have a thing for South & Central America, my heart is full for Asia. Considering Burma, (politically referred to as Myanmar, though not international recognized as such), there are a lot of human rights abuses and other issues to keep in prayer this day. We are not just talking "Boy would it be nice if they were democratic, like us." We are talking about an authoritative military regime trying to drive out or kill anyone who is a minority group, a Christian, or overtly an advocate for democracy. Let's just say that I would not be welcomed there, and neither would you. I mean, they aren't that terrible. In the recent protest led by myriads of peaceful Buddhist monks (The Saffron Revolution of 2007) only a hundred people were killed, a few thousand were jailed, and a few hundred were beaten/shot. Of course know one knows for sure, as the official toll from the military government is undoubtedly very understated, and its not too agree on other estimates. Sadly, the attempted revolution didn't change anything.

This link gives a lot more information on the current state of things: http://prayforburma.org/
This video actually somehow makes understanding a little more about Burma entertaining, if you want to check it out:

Adventure Day

2010-03-13T14:36:00.002-05:00

Did I tell you that I am starting a new blog? I was thinking, if I am doing all the work to drag my kids around D.C., anyway, I might as well write about it to help other moms out. Deep down, I want to be the travel guru for every local mom of young kids. In reality, I am trying to set something up so that I can help at least a few people like me. It is far from done yet, but your welcome to check it out Adventure Day Blog. Feel free to give me any feedback! Maybe I'll change the name, maybe I'll change the format, who knows. But, this is something new and exciting for me. I'm learning the new skill of basic web design, too, which is different.

Child Protection Compact Act

2010-03-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

I was reading this blog the other day, its a good reminder how blatant human trafficking or sexual slavery can be in other parts of the world. Eastern Europe, is, sadly infamous for human trafficking:

http://www.worldvision.org/content.nsf/learn/advocacy-newsletter-201003-journal-romania?Open&et_cid=14124531&et_rid=76514601&campaign=11390512&ppi=76514601

Of course, as he notes, obviously some women choose to go into prostitution willingly. Yet, many don't, which is heart breaking. At the end of 1 Corinthians 6, the Bible says sexual acts with a prositute make you "one" with her. I don't think we want to imagine how many people a sex-slave "becomes one with" without a choice. So not only are there physical effects, but there are emotional and spiritual bondages that sex slaves endure. Now, to make this worse, many of those forced into prostitution are children. Its easy for us to choose not to help free someone from oppression, simply because we are comfortable. Maybe we should think twice about that. The Bible doesn't teach us to be activists, but we are challenged to love others, second in importance to loving God. Here is a small oppurtunity to love someone else this week, even if these children seem just like numbers to us...........

Here is an easy way to help end child trafficking, for sexual or other purposes:

https://secure2.convio.net/wv/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=285

(Be sure to refresh this page with your information, as its vital that your representatives know you are one of their constituents.)

International Women's Day

2010-03-08T00:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am far from a feminist. In fact, in looking at the International Women's Day Website (http://www.internationalwomensday.com/default.asp) I realized I really, personally care less about many of the issues. Maybe this is only because, generally, I am treated equally. Yes, there are thousands of arguments: I might get less pay, I do more housework, I can't rule the world. But feminism is not my thing.

First of all, to be clear, the Bible does say that the woman is under the authority of man. Yet from this we can easily tangent into a discussion about the verses in the Bible that seem to downgrade women. There are a lot of views on those scriptures, and no matter what your opinion is and whether we'd even agree, there is no way this could ever be used to support oppression towards women. Personally, I think its a good thing for women to be under man's authority, when fathers, husbands, and church leaders guide in love, laying their lives down. Its one more load of stress taken off my back.

Christians sometimes forget to protect the value of women in fear of getting too liberal-feministic. That's a shame. When Christians shy away from women's issues, and no men step up to the plate on our behalf, the Church does not represent God. It also looks pretty crappy to the rest of the world and is used as justification to oppress women more, even if subtly. Here are two Bible verses to give us some godly perspective:

In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.
1 Corinthians 11:11-12

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galations 3:28

So, from the perspective that we all come from God, are eqaul with one another, and are NOT independent of eachother, Happy International Women's Day! Let's move forward, valuing and protecting women! As even though feminism isn't' my thing, there are a couple of things that are- oppression and poverty both are some things that really need to be fought against. And women have a hard time in this world in both regards. Check out the following statistics:

Global Issues
Females in developing countries on average carry 20 litres of water per day over 6 km

Globally women account for the majority of people aged over 60 and over 80

Pregnant women in Africa are 180 times more likely to die than in Western Europe

530,000 women die in pregnancy or childbirth each year

World population hit 6,872,741,131 on 1 January 2009

Of 1.2 billion people living in poverty worldwide, 70% are women

80% of the world's 27 million refugees are women

Women own around only 1% of the world's land

AIDS sees women's life expectancy of 43 in Uganda and Zambia

5 people are added to the world's population every 2 seconds

Women are 2/3 of the 1 billion+ illiterate adults who have no access to basic education

International Women's Day. (2010). "Gender Facts." Retrieved March 7, 2010 from http://www.internationalwomensday.com/facts.asp

Women in the Third World

• An estimated 500,000 women die of pregnancy-related causes each year, more than 90 percent of them in the Third World.

•    100,000 women die each year from unsafe abortions, almost all in the Third World.

•    The World Health Organization estimates that seventy million women, most of them Africans, have undergone some form of female circumcision.

•    In 1991 bridal dowry disputes led husbands and in-laws to kill more than 5,000 wives in India.

•    Approximately 855 million people in the world are illiterate (almost one-sixth of humanity); two-thirds of them are women.

•    Of the 1.3 billion persons living in absolute poverty, 70 percent are women.

IN SOUTH ASIA

•    One of every eighteen women dies of a pregnancy-related cause.

•    More than one of every ten babies dies during delivery.

IN NEPAL AND BANGLADESH

•    One in every five girls dies before age five.

IN INDIA

•    Approximately 25 percent of the twelve million girls born each year die by age fifteen.

Point: As difficult as life may be for the vast majority of humanity, it is even more trying for females.

Note, this last set of facts is dated 2006. Source: www.undp.org, UNDP 2006 Annual Report.
(Viotti. 2009. International Relations and World Politics, 4th Edition. Pearson Custom Publishing p. 18.2.1).

Psalm 119

2010-02-25T11:06:00.000-05:00

To increase your appreciation of random details & knowledge of the Bible, or if you like worshipping God, I thought I would share this like bit with you. I would have never guessed that this psalm was so intricately revolved around the alphabet. I read some other person's commentary on all the specific phraseology and traits in the psalm that make him believe it was written by King David (Who wrote Psalm 119?
http://vesomsechel.blogspot.com/2006/11/who-wrote-psalm-119.html). Its amazing how much of a literary science there is to study the psalms. Although this one might be distinctively analyzed, it helps me appreciate God's word a little more. May you be reminded with me to worship God for who He is and how He has blessed us with the Bible today!

____________________________________
TEACHING THE PSALMS: PSALM 119

"Psalm 119, both formal and elaborate, is the longest of all the Psalms as well as the longest chapter in the Bible. The poem is structured around the Hebrew alphabet, which contains twenty-two letters. Correspondingly, the Psalm is organized into twenty-two sections of eight verses each. In the first section, each line of the eight verses begins with Aleph, the first letter of the alphabet; in the second section, each line begins with Beth, and so forth through all the sections until all twenty-two letters have been represented. This acrostic-style structure was designed to help worshippers focus on the law of God and remember God’s teaching. Some speculate this disciplined and complex poetic form was the work of Ezra, the priest, after the temple was rebuilt, to be used as a repetitive meditation on the beauty of God’s Word.

Every one of the 176 verses of Psalm 119 except verses 84, 90, 121, 122, 132, 149, and 156 mentions the word of God using one of ten synonymous terms that refer to God’s law (teachings), testimonies (instruction), precepts, statutes, commandments, ordinances (decrees), word, ways (paths), promises, and judgments (rulings). The effect is a litany of praise for God’s Word that provides the worshipper with a structure to focus prayerful thoughts and a guide for living that leads to a life of confidence and peace."

July 31, 2005 10:04 PM

(C) 2005, Phyllis Wezeman & Ann Liechty

Retrieved on February 25, 2010 from:
http://rotation.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6216088121/m/1481031001

Love Haiti. Love the World.

2010-02-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

Please Love Haiti. But PLEASE only do so with the understanding that your love cannot begin & end there:

"Esther Duflo, a professor in MIT's economics department, said, that every day, 25,000 children die of preventable causes, adding up every eight days to the approximate death toll of the Haiti earthquake. Though $2 billion has been pledged for the Haiti earthquake, Duflo asks why we don't make the same level of commitment to prevent the daily death toll of children" (Galant & Sutter, 2010).

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Luke 12:32-34

"Some 27 million people are enslaved today; and a person in some parts of India can be sold into slavery for about $5, he said. But awareness and action could abolish slavery for good in 25 years, he says" (Galant & Sutter, 2010).

"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless.
Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.
You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed,
so mere people can no longer terrify them."
Psalm 10:17-18

Would refugee orphans in the United States foster care system = pure religion?
http://www.time.com/time/nation/a rticle/0,8599,1966998,00.html

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27

http://www.starbucksloveproject.com/#/love/create/

Reference:
Galant, R., & Sutter, J. D. (2010, February 12). Ten big ideas from ted. CNN, Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/02/11/ted.big.ideas/index.html?hpt=C1

Manifesto of the idle parent

2010-02-14T17:22:00.000-05:00

Manifesto of the idle parent

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work
We pledge to leave our children alone
That should mean that they leave us alone, too
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals
We drink alcohol without guilt
We reject the inner Puritan
We fill the house with music and laughter
We don't waste money on family days out and holidays
We lie in bed for as long as possible
We try not to interfere
We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small
Time is more important than money
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
Down with school
We fill the house with music and merriment

Hodgkinson, T. (2008, February 16). Idle parenting means happy children. Telegraph.co.uk. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/familyadvice/3355719/Idle-parenting-means-happy-children.html

Sing Sweet Sunset

2010-02-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

---—----—
(Vs.1)
Oh, how sweetly does the sunset sing
When the pitter-patter of teensy feet
Hush as though the One has come
To brush away the gentle cares
And whose smile dissolves all little fears

(Chorus)
Sing sweet sunset
Shush oh day
Let the color fade away
Sing sweet sunset
Pray, peace through dawn
Lullabies now drift us on

(Vs.2)
Oh, iris nightly falls, the laughter fades
When the're deep-in dreamland of peaceful sleep
May they know the One is near
To squelch the dark, in corners hid
And whose breath creates the vision's dreams

02/04/10

Elisa Sue Johnston

Thing's I Learned From my Night with a TV

2010-01-17T22:56:00.000-05:00

My daughter's friend decided to ride her choo-choo train down the stairs. The result of this thrill-ride, was pain, I assume. Especially as she has spent much of the past few days in-and-out of the hospital, getting her little arm put back together again. I have been inspired to remove all "riding" toys away from staircases without baby gates.

My daughter is only friends with this little girl because I am friends with her parents. So, in actuality I should have said "My friend's daughter decided to. . . " They go to our small-group, which makes me thankful that I rather like their family. Because I am a good person I decided to offer my "babysitting" services tonight after my good friend/neighbor/family, Jill, has already babysat for them twice. Actually, I think it was more so because I was jealous that Jill would get all the credit for being a good person, and I none. If you read the Bible, you know that any such prideful motive results in no reward. Still, I didn't get nothing out of this.

I got to watch TV. The real thing. Not Hulu, my typical computer TV fare, or even watching a DVD on a TV. It was real TV where you lounge around and change channels and stuff. If you know me, you know I don't do this because we don't have a TV which is usable as a TV. If you know us well, you know that we don't want such a vile instrument of evil in our home. Or at minimum, we don't want to pay the money and are too lazy to get said vile instrument of evil working in our house. Whatever. In otherwords, don't watch TV much.

TV is a window to the world. Its a dab slower than the super-sonic internet (that we do have). Unlike the Internet, with the whole world at your fingertips, TV filters the world so you don't have overwhelming choices. You just sit there, fumble your fingers over a 'hookie' (i.e., remote control), and someone else chooses what you download into your brain. And this is what I learned from such a spectacular window on the boob-tube:

Samoa is actually a territory of the United States! Well, part of Samoa is. Recently, their economy was devastated thanks to SunKisk's corporate value system. Also, a few months ago they had an 8.1 earthquake, resulting in a small, but deadly tsunami. Poor Samoa, how did I not even know?! But they do have some good things going for them. 200 of their 500,000 people play at least division one football (which is really good, right?)! I am no mathematician, but there seems to be some major connection between football and Samoa. I got to watch a really cool haka war-dance they do for football practice warm-ups, similar to the haka I learned when in Fiji. Fjij and Samoa are relatively close, which is probably the only reason this caught my attention.

The Golden Globe Awards give awards for both TV shows, and movies. Watching them is like getting media review of the last year. After watching them I am officially current on my popular culture. I can tell you who had a funky dress, who cried, and what movies the rest of the planet considers worth seeing that maybe I should see (you know, just to keep from sounding like an idiot). I grew up in California, which is where the awards took place. Maybe this is the reason this caught my attention.

Did you know I like the name Penelope? Its so, well, confusingly fun to say. Penelope. Penelope! I think she is one of the most beautiful actresses, along with all the rest of them. Did you know Penelope Cruz is sometimes insecure? Of course! She is also very stubborn, thinks Tom Cruise is treated wrongly (we share an opinion) and grew up in the outskirts of Madrid! I was near where Penelope grew up when I was in Madrid, which is probably the reason she caught my attention.

Some dude thinks we should be happy that we can't control the weather, even though the people in Florida have frozen oranges. I too have been to Florida a really long time ago, which is probably the only reason this caught my attention. My brain is becoming a frozen orange popsicle.

Yet Haiti, Haiti caught my attention for a whole different reason, not because there was sometime I was nearby or some other frame of reference. My heart breaks for Haiti, just like I want it to for those few unheard of in Samoa who's lives were also ruined a few months ago, even if there are 1/100 of the amount of people. Although I keep up with the news, and have seen my fair-share of pictures of the disaster, I haven't really watched any TV clips of it until tonight. Watching doctors amputate appendages with saws they found and sterilized with vodka, and seeing bodies piled in the streets, being picked up by earth-movers is surreal. As always, I contemplate the horrors that others experience and cry for a thousand reasons. You might feel those reasons too, or surely we share at least one or two of the thoughts on the issue. My fear is not just that Haitians are dying without the help they need, but that those in less heard of crisis's around the globe will also suffer, as we will stop any assistance to others in need. Need is always great. There is no shortage of it.

My TV watching evening is over and I have gleaned some random knowledge, while relaxing a little and maintaining indifference to our own TV ownership (or lack thereof). Besides feeling like this is the time to proclaim my innocence, that I was not a bad babysitter as their daughter was sleeping the entire time of my stay- I should also note that in this life we can't protect ourselves forever. We try to live the good life, enjoying our TV shows, making money, havin' babies to watch TV other shows. There is nothing wrong with wanting comfort. But there is something wrong when we are so comfortable we forget to love God and love God by loving others. There is something wrong when we think we can keep ourselves from the bad things, and the unexpected things. We treat ourselves like overprotective parents, sitting in emotional and physical safety-nets while guarding our rights, our happiness, and our money (as if we deserve any of it). And maybe we do deserve it. We deserve the worst reward, comfort in this life alone. Instead, lets challenge ourselves to not just watch the world around us on our TV sets (or whatever characterizes your safety-net of comfort and relaxation). We must always be aware of the greater world around us, as lives never cease to be at stake.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8 (New International Version)

Josiah's Head Wagging

2010-01-14T17:39:00.000-05:00

Cute kid (and man)!

Avi's Phraseology

2009-12-14T01:01:00.000-05:00

Her new phrase of the past couple days has been "Where is kitty? Where did kitty go? I don't know!" and says it over and over again in her cute, hard to understand way.

Today when leaving Josh's friends' home, Josh asked me a question. I said "Oh, I don't care." In the backseat Avi pipped up "I care. I CARE. I CARE!!!" It was so funny; we had no clue she was even listening, why she said that, or that she even knew those words! She regularly comes up with phrases like this that send us reeling. Or, depending, we must attempt to hide our laughter so she won't be offended, confused, or be commended for something bad.

Here is another one: We had a fire going which made a popping noise, as fires do. She looked at us and declared "Fire burped! Fire, it burped!" (Please note, she also calls farting "burping." So I guess that would be a 'butt burp'? Or as she calls it, a bum. So, a 'bum burp'!).

She often jumps up and down declaring "I did it!" and "I made it!" when accomplishing minor or major, good, or not so good, feats. I credit this to my dad, her 'grampy,' who taught her how to play her fun, beloved, "mawn-key" (monkey) game on his iPhone.

When she wants to show us herself, she says "I'm me!" which she then repeats over and over again. Tonight she wrapped a towel around her waist, which I can only guess made her feel like a little princess. Either that, or she was reminiscent of the glories of taking a bath. Whatever it made her feel, she wanted us to take part in her excitement. Josh kept trying to teach her to add in "look at" but she just didn't really get it. So, if you her a little voice saying "I'm me" over and over, it really is a statement of more than just self-awareness. Its more of a 'everybody else be aware of me.'

When my parents came to visit at Thanksgiving, Avi could only say "tanks" for "thank you." We were content with that, as it was a major step-up to actually be vocalizing anything when she previously only would use baby-sign language to communicate this phrase. Yet, my dad quickly got her to say "thank you." So now she makes us melt by saying "Tank-you daddy" and "Tank-you mommy." Its one of those amazingly precious phrases that makes me think of the Grinch that Stole Christmas. How? Well, "The Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day . . ." and the picture that accompanies this quote must be exactly what happens to my heart each time I hear her speak her gratitude. Is this why I am a parent?

As the parental units, I am generally referred to as "mom-mom" or "mommy" while Josh is "Daddy." Sometimes we are loved and needed. Yet, other times she likes us to go away. Her "Moove mommy" has been a new one (which needs to be tempered). But we secretly laugh when she tries to push us away, saying this, so she can resume hiding under her blanket, or in the cupboard so she can secretly suck on Josiah's "pass"(pacifier) or take care of her business. The other day she didn't want to go home, so I tried to bribe her with being able to see Josh. Although this normally works, this time she replied with "no, no daddy" and a few minutes later she added to this with "no, no titol" (tickle) multiple times.

She rarely outright says "no!" anymore. I am so grateful for this as when she previously did so it made me crazy. Now she always says "no, no" as if she is wagging a finger at her students in her one-room school house.

She continues to call Josiah "buddy" though she also refers to him as "Boder" (brother). Others are generally "People." A few weeks back she used her classic phrase, as she does countless times throughout the day, "wat is TAT?" while pointing to a group of kids in a parking lot. I told her that those were teenagers, that they were "people." Since then she refers to most others as either a "fwind" (friend) or a people. So, its not uncommon to here "Its a people!"

These are some of her phrases, mannerisms and words. Of course, this barely scratches the surface of Avi-speak, but it will have to do for tonight. So, in Avi-speak I bid you "nite-nite, fwind," while offering you a kiss with smacking lips and protruding tongue.

Parenting: Step one

2009-10-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

Something I've been thinking about a lot of late is my parenting goals. Its no secret that Avilynne has totally embraced the infamous Terrible Two's, for anyone who has been around her for a few hours (or minutes, sometimes). Yes indeed, before her actual birthday she threw all sweet innocent babyhood out the window and started livin' it up with drunken sippy-cup binges, screaming, head-banging tantrums and total self-absorption, manipulating the very adults she flirts with regularly. To me, the early dawn of the Terrible Two's feels greatly unfair. A month, let alone a day extra of a toddler with this disease is one too many. But who am I joking? Its not like I was preparing for this although I have been thoroughly warned. Who is ever prepared to find out their child is diagnosed with a terminal illness, even if you are warned?

Of course, that might seem like an exaggeration. Yet, in a since its not, spiritually speaking. The Terrible Two's just might be that reminder to us that our child is not the perfect concoction of our blissful marital love; instead its a little human that is also a little sinner. One time when Avi was acting up my husband sweetly looked at me and declared that those were our genes acting up in her (well, that's my paraphrase). We passed on our least favorable DNA: we fall short of perfection (and typically pretty far from it). I am obviously not a believer in the inherent goodness of mankind. Truly, no biologist, or physiologist who has ever had a two-year old can actually believe that load of crap, can they? All to say, the Bible says that all have sinned, or stated in a way that makes more since- we all are selfish, self-serving and self-focused at our core. Even psychology testifies to this, with the id and the ego and all that jazz. Oh yes, of course we can try to be good and can be successful. But that just isn't going to cut it.

And my daughter makes this truth self-evident. You want to know what she did on my birthday? Yes, my happy birthday!? She threw about fifteen temper-tantrums in the middle of quiet bookstore, and then ran across the store into the joining Starbucks! Some lady came out asking people throughout Barnes and Noble if the kid belonged to them! That was the second time that hour she ran off into oblivion. One time they had to close down part of a store to look for her. Then she was terrorizing Josiah, throwing the merchandise, and somehow I was supposed to carry her, my son, and all our stuff out of the store into the rain, leaving my unpaid for items and coffee behind? Really, I am not giving this story justice by providing you with details. I'll spare you but do know, it was MISERABLE! I wanted to spank her into the next county yet instead I stood there, tantrum after another wishing my child was better-behaved, that people would look on me with grace rather than the contempt they were showing, while desperately wishing I had five more hands and a plug to shove in her mouth. This is not an unusual situation I have found myself in either. Don't misunderstand me, Avi is a wonderful darling. She is a mysterious, exciting and a bubble of joy. But she is also Bad. Very very bad. Yes, her behavior can be bad, but there is something within her that is off too. The same something in all of us that is off which makes us so in need of God, so in need of love and grace amidst consequences and discipline we call life. So, by the grace of God parents everywhere have kindly been given the Terrible Two's as a year to train up our kids so they won't live in those Terrible Two's their whole life long. Or at least to remind us that we sure need some help as parents before we go insane. It happens, you know.

I steam like a pressure cooker that has been sitting on the boiling flame of household affairs. Sometimes I feel like I am about to burst, and the facade of the gentle mother I pretend to be is quickly melting off thanks to my semi-sweet children (semi-sweet like chocolate chips). Hence I've started hitting the books. Yep, I'm asking for advice, watching others intently, discussing ideas and gleaning from the knowledge of those more experienced or more educated on the subject: PARENTING. I am convinced the Terrible Two's were created by God to remind us that producing offspring means more than shoveling food down the pipe while occasionally wiping dirty noses and dirty bums (although that is important too). They are a reminder that we need a lot of help, and that our responsibility is greater than just what is on the outside.

Believing these two truths are, from my inexperienced and unprofessional opinion, the first place to start: that my children actually do need parenting due to their selfish human nature coupled with the fact that my spouse and I are the ones called to parent them (after all, I birthed them which was quite the experience, let me tell ya). If I have a beginning point to recognize what the heck is happening everyday I can move on from there. Yep, there is a kid and I am, what, supposed to parent? I know that might be overly simplistic for some, yet this simplicity really does drive me deeper because it acknowledges the responsibility I have.

Parenting is like being given an empty computer hard drive which already has a virus (if that's possible) that we are responsible for programing. Unfortunately, it doesn't even matter if we are good with computers or not! We get to program a operating system anyway, a worldview complete with a culture, value-system, and basic survival skills in order for it to function (and hopefully go beyond just functioning in our world to being successful). Which brings me to my questions of today which made me start on this subject in the first place: What defines successful parenting? What defines a successful child? What are my parenting goals? So maybe, if I get around to it, I'll continue hashing out parenting with these wonderings in mind. Parenting: Step Two.

Cities I've been to

2009-09-25T15:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently I have the travel bug today:

Create your own travel map or travel blog

Airline tickets comparison at TripAdvisor

Thinks I Like Recently

2009-09-16T10:33:00.000-04:00

Some newer photos of Josiah:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=159165&id=521107253&l=d3824ab331

An awesome effort, my favorite cousin is up to:

http://brittanyfox.missionsplace.com/

A very well-written, humorous blog I have been following for parents. Its a great perspective which reminds me I am not alone:

http://momastery.blogspot.com

Cocompletely real, very funny, slightly vulgar post about a Washing Machine and sleep deprived motherhood:

http://dooce.com/2009/08/28/containing-capital-letter-or-two

Issues going on in the world of human trafficking of late:

http://www.ungift.org/ungift/en/stories/human-traffickers-exploit-economic-crisis-redoubled-prevention-efforts-urgently-needed-.html

Faith Enough to Seek Justice

2009-09-12T23:32:00.000-04:00

Luke 18 (The Message)

The Story of the Persistent Widow

^1-3Jesus told them a story showing that it was necessary for them to pray consistently and never quit. He said, "There was once a judge in some city who never gave God a thought and cared nothing for people. A widow in that city kept after him: 'My rights are being violated. Protect me!'

^4-5"He never gave her the time of day. But after this went on and on he said to himself, 'I care nothing what God thinks, even less what people think. But because this widow won't quit badgering me, I'd better do something and see that she gets justice—otherwise I'm going to end up beaten black-and-blue by her pounding.'"

^6-8Then the Master said, "Do you hear what that judge, corrupt as he is, is saying? So what makes you think God won't step in and work justice for his chosen people, who continue to cry out for help? Won't he stick up for them? I assure you, he will. He will not drag his feet. But how much of that kind of persistent faith will the Son of Man find on the earth when he returns?"

A Social Problem: Stay-At-Home-Parent

2009-09-09T12:09:00.000-04:00

This is one of the short essay discussions I did a couple weeks ago for the current class I am in, Social Problems in the workplace (SOC 402). Please note that for reading ease, I used the term "mom" but this would really apply to any male or female caretaker and guardian who does not work outside the home. This post is not intended to prove that this job is harder than any other or better than any other. It is only intended to bring awareness to that fact that being a stay-at-home caretaker is a difficult task which can be improved with society's help.

A Social Problem is defined by Lauer and Lauer as ". . . one whose causes and solutions lie outside the individual and immediate environment" (2008). Although being a Stay-at-home parent is not technically a paid job, anyone who has done it before can assure you that it is a very real job none-the-less. I became a Stay-at-home-mom because I didn't have a career job outside the home. It was not worth it for me to work because of the child-care/traveling/income differences just were not logical. I could work, but would it be worth it to have someone else raise my child, instilling their values and not necessarily able to give them the attention they might thrive in, just so I could have a couple thousand extra dollars a month I can do without (if even that much)? Although I often wish I could work part-time outside the home, I was content with this decision when we made it.

Now I am not so sure I am as content with this job. Why? Well, let's just say if I worked for a company in this job, I probably would have quit by now. I consider it a social problem because, firstly, it is a relational job. There is great social responsibility on my shoulders including taking care of kids/spouse, managing a household in which must respond to the repairman, teachers, insurance companies, etc..., and socially expected to act in certain ways towards people I should be involved with (such as volunteering, church, neighborhood, other moms, contacting family, etc...). I am my own manager in my own start up business. This "business," The Johnston Estate, does not make money in itself, but I keep it running smoothly so my husband, the bread-winner, can do so.

A large portion of America's children are raised by a family member who does not work. I read an article the other day, telling mom's to ask for help, that they weren't meant to raise their children alone. It was kinda going with the "it takes a village" theme, encouraging mothers to not be afraid of having their parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, and neighbors take some of the load. I thought that was sweet. Sweet and totally not possible. After all, who can I ask to "take my load?" With change in the economy and business, the workforce has moved to where there are jobs, whether it be in the city or the other side of the country. Extended family and life-long local friends don't always follow each other around, let alone life-long acquaintances like your pastor and dentist. My community has a population of 60,000; it is a community which didn't even exist as more than a few small farms 15 years ago. Very rarely do I meet anyone is from here. East-coast Americans do not typically sit on eachother's front porches drinking lemonade together, and neither do they ask the other neighbors for help if they have even met. I am luckily to live on a street which defies this status-quo, but its abnormal. I have a close church-family in my area too. Yet, for the typical mom in my area, there is no one.

All to say, I am aware of many moms who struggle with the difficulties of the task that is expected of them when help is just not there. Its easy for moms to become so stressed mentally and tired physically that they start to become less-than-mediocre in their childcare, and on occasion flat-out terrible parents. Or others deal with extreme depression due to being overworked, so much so they are not able to handle any other difficulties in life. I know a few moms who are suicidal because of the pressures they have on them, most which are not their fault. I also know many couples who have become separated for the same reasons, having too much to manage and without a local support network. These are not solely just personal problems, although the individual really can do more to help themselves. Yet these problems will not go away unless there is social help.

So, what makes this job so difficult? I might get help at my job from my spouse or friends, but I do not have time off (except when scheduled with my husband or babysitter for a few hours here and there). I work most of 24x7 hours a week. Although there are moments in my job I am able to sleep (like a firefighter can, still on alert for the siren to go off). Sometimes my job is very fun and enjoyable. But, can you imagine if your boss at XYZ INC. required you to work over 150 hours a week?

Monotony is another major issue. I do the same thing almost everyday. It can get very boring. I listen to my baby cry and my daughter babble mostly unintelligible words throughout the day. This is anything but stimulating. I can improve this situation by getting involved in as much as I can or trying to use any freer-time for stimulating activity. Yet still, there are days when I can't get out or do anything I find stimulating. In general, not having goals set from outside can be hard. Days, weeks, months turn into years and nothing changes much.

At a typical job, management gives incentives. You are rewarded with bonuses, pay-increases, have performance reviews, and often have general encouragement, and feedback. As a mom, you often only get negative feedback (Your screaming child does not say "thanks mom for changing my blow-out again" while the dirty floor and piles of laundry testify that you are a failure). Your spouse might encourage and thank you but that is not a guarantee, and it might not be often enough. There is little recognition for the countless tasks you do all day.

Awareness needs to be increased of the challenges of stay-at-home parenting through the media, as well as encouragement for those with careers to look at us as equal members of society (besides grandma talking about it at Thanksgiving dinner). From most of what I see, being a working parent is what is glamorized. I often feel that other people think something is wrong with me because I choose to stay at home. Maybe I am lazy, not able to handle working a real job and being a mom (Which is why those who work have daycare, its not like they can do it all either). Or others just assume I am not smart, educated, and underclass. It is true that I am just shy of receiving my Bachelor's degree yet, and it would be hard for me to find a high-paying job to make it worth me working outside the home. Yet, even if I did I know I would still be staying at home with my kids, at least until they are in school and I could work part-time elsewhere. Besides, the fields I enjoy working in the most are generally within the non-profit sector in which I would still not be able to make it worth it to pay for childcare from a financial perspective. Or on the other hand a stay-at-home mom can also both be looked at as too traditional or too hoity-toity, like a country club yuppie. Funny how all these perspectives of a stay-at-home mom of little children do not logically fit together. Can I be undereducated, poor, rich, snobby, and uber-traditional at the same time? Apparently. I don't consider myself uneducated, snobby, or having characteristics worthy of discrimination. Yet, the Stay-at-home is often looked at oddly. I guess this is typical to encounter some prejudice, as most are partial and skeptical of anything outside of their experience.

Ways to ease this social problem can first start with the spouses. Ideally, spouses should try to balance the workload rather than just using their off-work time for their own pleasure. The mom, whether working or not generally takes care of the lump of the household and childcare for whatever reason. The more the husband can help, I have no doubt the more he will like who his wife is as relieved of burden. Also, local friends and family members can exchange favors, taking turns watching eachother's kids. Although meeting trustworthy people is difficult when you are in a new place, challenging yourself to join a moms group, a church, and other organizations along with going out of your way to introduce yourself to neighbors and other moms at the park can go a long way. Even increasing encouragement in all forms is probably the best way to help us moms, especially moms with little children.

Communities/towns themselves, along with local organizations and churches should really go to greater effort to make support networks. Or if there already are, have ways to contact moms who are so secluded and depressed they don't look for help themselves. Catchy yet simple mailers, signs, door-to-door invites, or even articles in the HOA magazine can all be effective. Although this seems ridiculous to even myself, could the communities provide free quality babysitting services once a week for stay-at-home parents? Yes, that is ridiculous. But I know having babysitting services in my community are very appreciated. A local grocery store offers has a childcare center in it for those who are shopping. Our HOA provides very low-cost babysitting at our gym, something which many gyms in our area do. A break from your children for even just an hour can be a life-saver sometimes. I wish there was a way I could have my children be watched long-enough to get some paperwork done, take a nap, or have some time to just breath. Or even cooking a meal, or sharing the responsibility with another family is an amazing blessing. I am so thankful to my friends and spouse who give me this on occasion. Giving moms a little more help a long the way might be cheaper than waiting until they go crazy and have to take their kids from them. This might sound extreme, but I know that this is actually a reality for some moms who are not handling the pressure very well.

In conclusion, Stay-at-home mothering is a job in itself, with challenges and difficulties. Some of these can be eased by outside help. If you have the ability to help a mom with small children, on their behalf, I ask you to please do so. Often the mom is in denial that she needs help, so don't give her generic offers like "ask me for help sometime" because if you do it is almost guaranteed that she will not ask. Yet offer specifics instead. Offer to babysit a certain day so she can grab a coffee and read a book for an hour, ask her family for dinner a specific night of the week, or tell her you will come over at 11 a.m. the next day to talk with her while folding laundry. Do these things and you will make a very frazzled woman sigh and she will probably even give you a genuine smile.

References:

Lauer, R., & Lauer, J. (Eds.). (2008). Social Problems and the Quality of Life (11th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.

PhilD41. (2009, August 12). Life Support for the Stay-At-Home-Mom. Hubpages. Retrieved August 12, 2009, from http://hubpages.com/hub/Stay-At-Home-Mother?utm_source=fb&utm_campaign=newsfeed

September Campaign

2009-09-06T17:39:00.001-04:00

For my birthday consider giving to Charity: Water. The September Campaign has begun and I am lucky to have been born this time of year to be a part of it! One billion people don't have access to safe drinking water. I do. You do. But billion's don't. Jesus said that giving a drink to those who are thirsty is like giving Him a drink. I don't have any needs. Instead, I have been amazingly blessed. So on my birthday, can you join with me to give a little bit?

mycharity: water

Posted using ShareThis

The Targeted Objective

2009-08-16T15:26:00.000-04:00

I went to Target the other day. Ironically, I was thrilled about going, although I knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that it would be a terrible disaster, as most prolonged shopping trips toting two tiny tots become. I know buying things shouldn't make one happy, but I have to say, the act of getting out of the house does make me happy. Sadly, in NOVA, the only locations a person toting the tiniest of kids can 'successfully' go to (at least on a rainy day) are only places you buy crap at (i.e., stores).

I planned well; I would try to quickly get the "essential" items done with and save browsing for what else I needed for later. Just in case. One of my main objectives was to get a wedding present for a couple we know. Yet, when I finally checked through the line, I realize I completely fell-short of reaching that main objective. Apparently the myriad of soap, juice, and toys around me forced me to forget. Mind you, so far I actually had successfully made it through the shopping trip. Of course Avi was hungry, tired and whinny while Josiah was on the verge of waking up hungry. But, I although I stood on the verge of said cliff, we had not yet fallen off. In fact, hungry children could maybe be used for my benefit: I could let Avi eat and scribble while I would fed Josiah in the adjacent food area. During these precious moments I could attempt to relax, sip my coffee contentedly and possibly even be able to read a few lines in my book! Yet such daydreams never last long enough. I woke up to the cashier handing me a receipt who's total did not include that all-important present. And, there were unhappy children in my cart.

Did this deter me? Oh no, I was in denial, not following wisdom's whisper. I still thought I could make it to that possibly relaxing dream in the stupid food court. So quickly I got their registry list, found something on it and a few other random things which I could make into a fun present, and went back to the check out.

Well, actually, it took me forever to find their registry for some odd reason. I am not too sure if it was because I was just not smart enough to know the names of my friends, or if it was because Avi kept running behind the return counter in hopes of playing it off as an employee to get a paycheck. And, "quickly" finding stuff wasn't as quick as quick is actually defined. To be more accurate, I would say that we moved faster than two kids and I generally do. Which, you can imagine, is not exactly quick or fast. So, by the second time at checkout, Josiah is screaming. Avi keeps running and disappearing down the aisles. Or she is throwing a tantrum while flinging herself out of the shopping cart (it doesn't help that she knows how to unbuckle her strap and has no fear of falling). In other words, I was the lady with THOSE kids. Whose kids really just needed some sleep, food, and in the case of the older one, maybe a good spanking.

To my dismay, the registry item kept showing up as not on the registry and as more expensive. While going "quickly" through the store the second time, I did take a moment to double check that I had the right thing. And the checkout lady also thought it was right, as we re-read the item description multiple times. Eventually we realized that I did get the right thing but the wrong size. You can imagine that at this moment I felt extreme dismay. Luckily, while noting my unhappy feelings, a profound idea hit me: to my left, hanging in perfect rows, were lovely plastic cards. Right then gift cards seemed like an answer from heaven to a question I refused to ask.

After all, I could have gotten them a gift card the first time I realized I missed my targeted objective at Target. I was bitter because I was so excited to give a REAL present of fun stuff; I had a creative idea for one! But I got them a gift card. And everyone was happy: My screaming children stopped screaming shortly afterwards, as I gave them food. My kids were happy, as were the people around us having to hear my kids cry. The newlyweds were probably even more happy with a gift card than actual presents. Everyone was happy but me. Go figure. Suck it up Elisa! One moment less of creativity on my part brought peace and happiness to many. These are the times I get what it means to put others interests before your own. But I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself in almost an identical situation next week. I easily fall into denial that everyone can't do what I want them too : )

FourThings I Recently Like

2009-08-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

Understanding Stay-At-Home Moms:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Stay-At-Home-Mother?utm_source=fb&utm_campaign=newsfeed

Inglehart-Welzel Cultural Map of the World

Time and Time Again

2009-07-12T14:38:00.001-04:00

I often catch myself trying to figure out how to jam everything I want to do in a space of time which is amazingly inadequate. "Tisk, Tisk- How to use my time today. . . ?" Yep. Where does it all go? What should I do with my limited "free time?"

Hum . . . do I actually have free time? This is my current question. And the debate begins: If the kids' nap time actually is when I am paying bills, shopping for things online and making household phone calls to the Dr. or county who screwed up the last tax payment.....is that really free time? Or when the kids go to bed at night, and I realize my husband and I need to spend time together . . . is that free time or is that time investing in the most important relationship I have with another human? And the same question applies to the time I use to write in my journal or read my Bible. Is that free time? Its my choice to use the time that way, but its something I need or I become empty and can't do the rest of my job. What about reading? I don't have to spend time reading a book. But I must stimulate my mind or I go crazy. I don't need to do anything creative like painting, writing or playing music. But maybe I do, because without that I am not my healthy self. These things make me come alive and an alive Elisa is much better than an internally dead one. Therefore that can easily affect everything and everyone in my world. Not only are others effected by time I spend improving myself, but obviously by the time I actually am spending with them (or not spending with them). So, although eating dinner with my friends might be fun, it is also time I am also investing into their lives, and time they are investing in mine. That sometimes that is not fun at all, and I might not have much of a choice about it. When is time with people free time and when is it not? And I don't need to watch a movies, but sometimes I need to be still and have mindless activity when I am so tired. But as that can be enjoyable, is it therefore free time? And is it my "job" or fun free time when I go to the park or pool or picnic with my kids? My job is to teach and lead them in the way they should go, and love them. Sometimes that also includes "fun" for me. Other times it is anything but fun, even if it at a fun place. I could go to the park with her in the morning and consider it work. I could go with her on a Saturday night, and as it is not the work week, is it then free time?

So, my question really is "What is free time?" A time where I don't have to do anything? Or is it a time when I am enjoying what I am doing? Maybe I just have time in general. Time that I have to use wisely. I have times where I have the chance to invest in myself or others that are not my kids. Not being responsible for children currently tends to define my free time. But free time is not a time void of responsibility. Time is responsibility on its own. My "free time" might end up be fun or not fun. Somewhere in me I believe I have the right to time free of responsibility in which I get to have fun. Yet reality is leading me to look at life differently. Instead of wondering when I can be free of responsibility and trying to decide how I can make myself the most happy during that time, maybe I should ask myself how I can have a best attitude with whatever amount of responsibilities I have at the moment. And I'd like to become better at knowing how to use the time I do have; focusing on others or spending time rejuvenating myself. The notion of free time is slowly fading. As it does I hope I become a better person as I don't delusionally cling to something I never had in the first place. Because, when it comes down to it, free time is an illusion.

These kids, this week.

2009-06-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

Avi:

My darling little girl-

Handed me a living flying ant she was apparently playing with.
Decorated our banister by laying pens down on it, in a neat row.
Decorated her arms with a permanent marker.
Rearranged all the furniture in the living room she could (chairs, stools, rocking horse)
Strep culture was negative! Yey!
Figured out how to climb up the play gym in our backyard to slide down.
Obeyed me! She was totally disobeying me multiple times. Finally I made her look at me directly and told her she was in big trouble if she didn't listen with my stern facial expression. She looked like she was thinking about it, could tell I was unhappy, and actually did what I asked! Discipline DOES pay off!
Is getting good at telling us when she needs to do her number 2, but hates us actually doing something about it.
Is ridiculously cute, good and naughty!

Josiah:

My handsome five week old-

Has regularly been waking up every 2.5-4 hours at night, much more often than he had been doing. He also seems to believe 6am is wake up time. I am going to have to re-educate him on the way this household works! 9am, baby!
Has become chubby in the last 1.5 weeks....He has rolls now on his arms and legs!
Looks more like a 2.5 month old (to me, at least)
Has been smiling a ton! He gets in these happy moments where he smiles like crazy.
He likes to whine his way to sleep.

Avi Loves. . . (@21 & 1/2 Months)

2009-06-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

hats
praying
family hugs
being swung by her arms
ice
water
playing with neighbors
stacking blocks
pretending to garden
playing chase + tickle
peep!

New Photos

2009-06-06T19:06:00.000-04:00

Hi! I have finally gotten around to putting up some photos from Josiah's almost first full month of life. Check them out:

Josiah (First Month)

The Former or the Later?

2009-05-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

I'm considering which of two possible versions I like better: "Lets go out a buy that new 60" Flat Screen HDTV I've been saving up for. Oh ya, let's get Cold Stone's Ice Cream on the way home- yummy!" VERSUS "Let's spend my valuable resources I am so lucky to have so I have an excuse to be lazier and waste more time . . . and let's get some ridiculously overpriced ice cream to make me fat while I'm at it!"

Hum, I'm pretty sure there is no debate- I like the former better. But I'm wondering how my world would change if I viewed the later as more accurate.

Adjustment

2009-05-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

"You are a beautiful daisy. You have many tiny seeds. They are the future. Your children are your 1st mission field. You are a world changer and a diaper changer . . ."
~A Mothering Friend

I have been marveling that my fingernails are a millimeter long. I don't think they've been that long since I was four. Too busy to bite or pick. Hallelujah.

Today was AMAZINGLY beautiful outside. In general, it has been a wonderful world outdoors. My irises are blooming. It never ceases to amaze me that plants spring up from the ground out of no life and become bright shades of colors. Abet, mostly green. I just love color.

Josiah is a week old today. He did not like his first sponge bath. He is a handsome sleepy little man. But when he is awake he is takes the world in with alertness and softness. I like him a lot. He eats 2-3 hours around the clock, though at night sometimes he will do 3.5 hours. I long for the day when he will sleep through the night.

Avi is handling the new little brother well. She calls him "I-ah" and always tells him "hi" with great amounts of exuberance. She also likes to kiss him (i.e., try to crawl up on, or tackle without grace while extending pouting lips). Yet, she has also been very whinny and more tandtrumish. There is an aspect of jealousy for her mommy and daddy. Actually, she is probably getting more attention in general, though, with both of us at home, and daddy having to take care of her more when I am with "I-ah."

I am healing great, though I have been having alot of neck and back pain and its also difficult to walk or climb stairs. My milk is starting to settle into normalcy, and in general, my body is adjusting much better with this second baby. Josh has been having to stay home, in large part, mainly to help me carry Avi as I can't carry her or Josiah in his carrier. Hopefully my body will continue healing well this week, and I'll start to know how to handle two kids plus the household well enough so that He can go back to working at work.

Emotionally, I haven't been as "well." I was crying every five minutes by day three. Thankfully, the minutes between tears has been growing exponentially, and I do believe I haven't even cried one time today. So far. Thankfully Josh seems to have decided its one of his main goals to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I am starting to. We WILL adjust, and we WILL survive, even thrive with two kids! In a few months I'll surely be so ecstatic about how well we are doing that I'll want to become pregnant again, asap! Okay, maybe that last one is more like the light of a train coming to smash me at the end of the tunnel than just the glow of the happy sun. But generally, I think my eyes are starting to focus more on the joy of this life-change as opposed to sleep deprivation and how overwhelming everything feels. Anyways, surely I'll forget that "we WILL adjust" in a couple minutes and start crying again, but hey, its a process.

Our Baby Boy is Born!

2009-05-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hello! Our baby boy has been born!

At:
INOVA Loudoun Hospital Birthing Inn
In:
Lansdowne, Virginia
On:
May 11th, 2009
At the Time of:
3:57 p.m.
Weighing:
8 lbs. 1 oz.
Length:
19.5 inches long

And His Name Is:

Josiah Cory Michael Johnston

"The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace."
Psalm 29:11

(Labor progression Chart)

Baby Boy Johnston to Be Born

2009-05-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning, around 7 am we will be going in to get induced and birth this little babe. Keep us in your prayers! Love and news soon,
elisa

No Little Man Yet

2009-05-08T09:22:00.000-04:00

Today is Friday. The eighth. That, mind you, means it is three days past my due-date. Three days beyond the hoped for day. Three days more of carrying a huge mass inside. Could I get used to being pregnant eternally? Possibly. But it would be far from preferred. Three days might not sound like much. But, if you've been very immensely pregnant before you know how much that is. Avi was two days late, and although she was late, I was in labor from the end of her due date. In otherwords, I knew she was coming. Yet now, although little Johnny John Johnston still could enter this world tonight, I have no clue. I just wait. I wait biggly.

Who lied to us in the first place, declaring pregnancy to be only nine months? They sure seem evil, whoever they are! 40/4 really does equal 10. Ten months, yep. I CAN do math (sometimes). Of course, that isn't exactly counting those funky 5 week months, but who counts those when you are measuring in weeks anyways? They just want us to feel like its less time so we don't go crazy earlier. That way we are already nine months along (36 weeks) before we realize we actually have another month (at least) to go. And by then, the baby could be born at 37 weeks and we think "I can do one just more week!" And then the baby isn't born, so we think, "well, maybe this week...." and then its "well maybe next week..."etc.... Its kinda mean that they give us about 5 weeks we can deliver in. Five whole weeks of uncertainty and hope, of it being just dandy if that baby comes at any time. By the time the due date comes you've been thinking, "heck! I could have had this baby 3 weeks ago already!" Then who in blue blazes is going to want to stick around until week 42? No one! Nadie!

So, of course they will induce me on Monday if he still hasn't appeared. But I do not prefer that. I would prefer his body, my body, and whatever hormones that need to get going to create that perfect cocktail to kick this process into gear. I want those hormones to pour through out my veins crying "May-day, May-day . . . Free little human up! Free big mama up!" Or whatever those hormones say to get this going.

Honestly, there is so much to be thankful for. From having multiple nights left of good sleep, to having more time with my husband, daughter, my mom, and my good friends before baby is born. I have had to rest this week, which has driven me crazy doing so little, but its been good for me. Josh finished his class and final and has been able to not have to worry about that for a few days while baby still hasn't come. I've tried all those natural methods to get little guy out, and he is stubbornly set in (well not caster oil-yuck!). So in the meantime my skills in patience have been forced to grow, along with my trust in God that His timing is better than mine. After all, I probably would have had him at week 37 if it was my choice. So, in the meantime I still wait. I try not to be bitter as I wait. I try to happily wait being content in all situations. Em-hum. Cough. On that note, maybe I should take another walk and eat more pineapple now. Later!

(Video of Avi sliding)

April 25th- World Malaria Day

2009-04-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

You can give $20 to provide a family with a malaria prevention kit (bed nets and education on the disease) at World Vision.

You can look at more facts and a map at http://www.rollbackmalaria.org/worldmalariaday/

Why should we try to prevent this disease? Well, firstly, it would really not be fun to catch. I knew a person who had it and barely survived. It really sounded like it sucks. So, if I was at risk for Malaria and couldn't afford something basic to help prevent it, I would really appreciate a rich American (yes, you live off of more than one dollar, two dollars, five dollars, or one hundred dollars a day . . . you are rich) sharing a little of what they have (forgoing a few Starbucks drinks or big macs) to help save my life. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, right?

But really, although I often am disgusted by rich americans (mainly, myself), I think we have a better reason to help someone than just for the sake of helping them. As a follower of Jesus, I represent Him on earth. He didn't command much (love God; love people)- but one thing He did say to do was to love people. Although the greatest needs people have are spiritual (and for me to best love people would be to help them find spiritual fulfillment in God), their physical and emotional needs are right in front of them. Our "felt" needs totally feel more important than our spiritual. So, sometimes helping people meet these needs helps them be open to meeting their spiritual needs. Jesus understood this, going out of His way to be an example of loving people by meeting their felt needs. Therefore, I should do what I can to help people know they are loved by God by acting on His behalf to feed, cloth, and comfort others. Especially when its in my means, I have no excuse whatsoever to not help others with their felt needs. Because in that case, the only thing I am giving up is having a different standard of life. Less Coldstone ice creams, less new sets of curtains, less new cell phones. All the stuff I think will make me happy. And it doesn't in comparison to seeing someone else smile because they now have a chance to live.

Earth Day for Evolutionists

2009-04-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

I think this blog post is pretty interesting. Its really short, and presents a pretty valid (and therefore humorous) point about how celebrating Earth Day goes against the Darwinistic worldview, rather it only makes sense if you are trying to protect something you are given. Which, would be a theistic worldview. Anyways.

(Scroll down until you get to the post dated April 22nd):
http://www.str.org/site/PageServer?pagename=blog_iframe

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Avi at Twenty Months

2009-04-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

Avilynne is now 20 months old. Whats new with her?

Avi can point to her:
-nose
-eye
-ear
-mouth
-hands
-feet
-belly (or baby)

Avi can say (That I can recognize):
-Nose
-Eye
-No
-Tractor
-Three, two, one! (she tries at least)
-Juice
-Hi
-All done
-Ball
-Book
-Balloon
-Strawberry
-More
-Mama/mommy
-Dada/daddy
-Jill
-DebDeb
-Repeats other names we
say (joyjoy, faith, stacy, grandma)
-Say her vowels in Spanish from the rhyme "a, e, i, o, u el burro sabe mas que tu"

Avi can sign:
-All done
-Yes
-Thank you
-More
-Food/eat
-Drink
-Hi/bye

Avi makes noises for these animals when she sees them:
-doggies
-kitties
-pigs (sounding semi demonic)
-cows
(And repeats our noises for these when we point to pictures of them):
-ducks
-birds
-snakes
-bears
-lions/tigers
-bees
-horses

Avi can:
-Blow her nose
-Smell things (candles, flowers, candy).
-Follow many of our commands (picking things up, handing things to us, throwing things away, going up or down the stairs, "Be gentle," etc...)
-Is aware of her bodily functions (Which she acknowledges verbally)
-Try to wash her hair/body, brush her teeth/hair, and put clips in her hair
-Understand a whole lot more that I give her credit for!
-Dance and move to the music pretty decently.
-Run like a girl.....wagging her hips and putting her arms out funny- oh my.
-Try to work it!

Avi likes to:
-Say hi to almost everyone.
-Flirt with men (and women too, but especially men).
-Kiss pictures of people. Most notably the construction workers, emergency workers, and babies in a books we have.
-Stick her fingers in her ear and sing when she is done eating at the table.
-Whine or yell when she doesn't get her way.
-Answer most questions with"no" (Ex."Do you like to obey daddy and mommy?" "no!")
-Sing notes (and now we are starting to recognize songs)
-To eat chocolate, but not too many other deserts. She likes chips.
-Be tickled!
-Play with her ball and look at her books with us.
-Go outside to explore and observe the world.
-Take baths and in general, just to play in water.
-Say "cheese" when she sees a camera while making a silly grin.
-Play with the neighbor kids and kids at church.
-Make a lot of noise and yell in the car (especially if its been more than 20 minutes).
-Try to get away with touching the computer and climbing on the couch arms/back.
-Play with the metal dish scrubbers for whatever reason.
-Run REALLY far away in stores. She doesn't have qualms about being far away from me.
-Have anything to do with shoes. She likes to find them, put on hers, put on yours (on you and her), chew on them, move them . . . She is pretty much obsessed with shoes. Oh no.

Preggo Update

2009-04-20T22:08:00.000-04:00

I am still pregnant. I am trying not to be jealous, as my friend had her baby a week early today. Yesterday, a woman I know had her baby three weeks early (she was due after me). And, another friend of mine might get to have her's early too even though she is due a week after me (although, that is because she might have to get a c-section of which I am really NOT jealous of). I am out! Or probably not, as I will have this baby by the 11th of May at the utmost latest (according to my Doctor). And, it is much more likely I will go before May 5th, as this is my second baby. Really, if I am jealous, I am jealous of possibly two weeks less of being able to sleep through the night. There is no reason I should hurry away my sleep- I love sleep! So thank you God I still haven't had this baby because that means one more night of peace!

I have been feeling very out of sorts all weekend: jittery, heart-pounding, somewhat nauseous, trouble focusing with my eyes (And my mind!), extremely swollen feet/legs (which went away as I laid down a lot), and a slight to extremely bad headache. In case you don't know, these all happen to be the most common symptoms for preclampsia, a high blood pressure issue that happens in pregnancy which is very dangerous. I get symptoms like these with my migraines, too, though, which makes me skeptical I actually have a problem going on. Generally, though, my migraines follow a pattern that is pretty distinguished, unlike how I felt this weekend. So, as to avoid being sent to the hospital to get checked out (which I knew would happen if I called the Dr.), I took my blood pressure at those little booths in the pharmacy sections at grocery stores. It said my blood pressure was higher than typical, but it wasn't crazy. Hence, I continued sleeping or laying down very pathetically most of the weekend.

So, this morning I called the Dr. when the office opened. Sure enough, they wanted to see me. They did the typical tests, the blood pressure, pee-test, checked the baby's heart rate, etc... For the most part, it was all well. But, of course, little did I know but you can still have preclampsia and it only show up in blood work. And besides, I shouldn't be feeling this way, so they should monitor the baby. Hence, despite all my work to avoid the hospital, guess where they sent me? Yep! So, after calling around, finding someone to watch Avi (thank you Becky!) I got to be tested all over again in the hospital the rest of the morning and early afternoon. And, nope, nothing amiss with my blood work and the baby happily kicked its way through an hour of being monitored. Actually, it was somewhat relaxing, which was good because otherwise I surely would have been chasing Avi wishing I could go back to bed. I am not complaining. I am just slightly annoyed I had to go through that for nothing. Conclusion: my blood pressure is a little higher than normal, yet I do not have preclampsia. Take Tylenol and if my headache persists, please call the Doctor again (yey, so we can do the whole process one more time!).

I am still one centimeter dilated and the baby's head is still "whoa! Its right down there, I can feel it!" (according to my nurse practitioner). So, at 38 weeks, I am the same as I was last week, minus the extreme energy and feeling mostly crappy.

Surprise Baby Shower

2009-04-19T22:36:00.000-04:00

I must say, I was extremely impressed with the baby shower that was thrown for me this Saturday. I don't think I ever have had a surprise party, so it was a new experience along with just being totally fun. I kept thinking that morning that life was just too good, and that I should appreciate all the goodness I had been blessed with while things still are "good." And that was before the shower!

Josh and I had a great morning together, I got to sleep in, take a shower while Avi was awake, and I just chilled out upstairs with a glass of juice and bowl of strawberries Josh brought me. He purposefully kept me upstairs, and I completely just thought he was being all nice giving me a break from Avilynne. He brought me my journal and Bible just to chill out next to the sunny window to spend time with God. He told me we were going to eat brunch together and he had arranged for Jill to watch Avi. When I eventually came downstairs, I realized we weren't eating brunch at home and kinda wished I did my hair or put on makeup. But, hey, at least I had taken a shower!

I thought it was odd that we were going to drop Avi off a few doors down together, when one of us could wait in the car. And why weren't we locking to house door? He didn't want me leave my purse on the car, even though I figured I could still see it from Jill's doorway. But, hey, I am a risk taker (often needlessly) so I brought my purse with me after all. Jill had me come in, and then I saw a cake and all this delicious food. I was like "Oh my goodness....its a surprise party for me- I think! But I'm here early as there is no one else here." I was then ushered towards the living room and I saw everybody hiding in the corner. They were all happy and I was all embarrassed for some reason while totally thrilled and happy. My initial thoughts were that they invited Abbie, a teenager who I mentor as well as girlfriends who weren't just from church, which I thought was cool. I just was impressed that whoever invited people invited people I'd want to come, not just people from one area of my life.

Anyways, I was starving by this point, and there was an amazing spread of breakfast casseroles, the most awesome sweet french toast (of which everyone was begging Tori for a recipe), strawberries and homemade whipped-cream, and all sorts of other beautiful and delicious foods. It was soooo very "ummy" (as Avi would say)! And then there were all these nice people around me who wanted to talk and be baby-showerishy-girl-like (though not awkward too dressed up baby-showerishy-girl-like). Deborah, Jill and Becky did an awesome job putting it together. There were all these games, from measuring my belly to guessing the time when an ugly plastic doll was "born" (meaning the ice defrosted around it into water), and a questionnaire about me and another one about nursery rhymes. I personally was entertained and I didn't even get to play half of the games : )

Then, of course, there was a massive plethora of presents which I was totally not expecting. Long ago I had come to the conclusion I wasn't going to have a shower, and so have just been assuming I had to get whatever we needed for a boy. It was very happy, though, to receive all these gifts, mostly the type of stuff which I won't buy myself as its not "necessary" such as extremely cute clothing or baby blankets or "rocket" stuff which I was totally impressed people found. I was really surprised by all the gifts I received, and, thankfully, I really liked them too. They were beyond tractors and footballs, to my glee!

Apparently, I had made it pretty difficult on the people putting it together. Deborah moved her car on Saturday morning because she told me she was going to be gone and wouldn't be able to hangout. That was smart on her part because I actually looked for her car to see if she was home and could hangout after all. I went with Becky to Costco on Friday, where she had to pick up the cake. She hid it in her cart, but didn't know how to get it in her car without me seeing it. So, she arranged a whole complicated pick-up with our other friend Amber which seems like it was just too much work to be worth it. That night I was really bored so I hungout at jill and stacy's. Yet, that kept Jill from being able to get anything done like she had wanted to because I was around (really, someone did say I should join them playing rockband, so it wasn't entirely a self-invite). I thought it was weird Deborah came in dropping stuff off, acting odd and freaked out that I was there. She told me she was bring stuff for the Needs Network, which later I noticed was only three pairs of socks. Um....I am pretty sure it doesn't take two trips between our houses for her three pairs of socks.

I was somewhat suspicious because of that. Almost two weeks ago Becky also made a comment to me, trying to keep me from buying diapers. I didn't get why because she was saying maybe people would give them to me. And I said, yes, maybe they would after the baby was born, but I would need diapers ASAP. I was trying to figure out why I should bother counting on someone else to give me diapers who knows when, when I really didn't want to have to stop at a store on the way home from the hospital. She thought I should wait a week before I bought some. I was kinda suspicious then that maybe she was having the other girls in our lunch group do presents or something for me, yet nothing big. But as nothing happened after her comment I had totally given up on the idea. But then on Friday night the possibility that maybe someone was trying to surprise me came up again; this was more so in a way in which I'd just keep my eyes open for other clues. It wasn't something I suspected or expected at all, especially not late Saturday morning.

I really like being surprised. I really enjoy being with people. I love eating good food. I don't mind getting presents in the slightest. I was very impressed by how put together and how nice the shower was, especially with me having no clue and it being put together so close to the end of my pregnancy. In generally I guess you can say I really felt loved by the whole ordeal. And who doesn't like to feel loved? Ahhh....my heart is bursting with affection! Thank you so much, guys!

Baby Registry

2009-04-13T14:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have been wondering what we could use or like for baby number two, you can look on the baby registry that I have up (link below). We don't have a lot of essential items we need, as we are blessed to have many things already that we can re-use from Avilynne or that I have picked up here or there. I will continue updating it when we receive similar items that are on the registry.

Baby Registry

I can't believe I am really full-term now, at 37 weeks! It might be three, even four weeks yet before you hear from me that Mr. Baby Johnston is born. But, it could be tomorrow, too! I am pretty sure the baby dropped lower a few days ago. Although "lightening" doesn't typically occur in second pregnancies until labor, something totally changed which sure feels like it dropped, it least to an extent. He isn't in my rib cage as much, making it easier to breath. Yet he is a lot lower, pressing on my very low back and other down there areas which is sometimes very painful. Although pregnancy isn't comfortable, I am trying to have a positive view that at I can still sleep through the night without nursing, and I don't have to take care of two crying children yet!

Compliments

2009-04-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

I received two compliments this week which have meant a lot to me. One was that a girl who teaches music went out of her way to tell me that she thought I had a very beautiful voice. That was just nice to hear as I want a beautiful voice. Sometimes I think I have one, yet other times I get stuck on the parts of my voice (or control, tone, vibrations, etc....) that aren't so good. As I am not very involved with music anymore I rarely get feedback on how I sound. So, that was just a nice unexpected compliment.

Secondly, a man who goes to our small group Bible study told me I have the ability to say the perfect thing. Let me explain a little background about why this means something to me. Our discussions within our small group sometimes aren't the best. I naturally talk more, and can easily get caught up in an unimportant discussion dealing with Biblical facts. I've been really trying hard not to do this, as we don't need more knowledge. Our goal is to know God more and connect with the people in the group. Hence, I've been trying to only say stuff which will make someone else's point or fact make more sense to others in the group who could care less. Either that, or ask questions or talk about concerns that can make whatever we are talking about make more sense in the context of our lives. I don't always do the best at this, but I try. I am always very aware of people's body language, tones, or the dynamics going on within conversations. Hence, I often find myself naturally acting as the diplomat, bridging between people from what I perceive is going on. Although I tend to do this automatically, in our small group I've been really making effort to do so in hopes that I make our group better as opposed to worse. Sometimes I wonder if there is any point to all of this, if there is any point to when I am aware of how people are. If there is any point to saying things I hope will start to bring them full circle, connecting with others, God, or understanding themselves more. So when this man spent a little less that five of his minutes to explain to me about how much it helped him when I made comments, it meant a lot to me. He told me how he felt like I understood him and could make what other people said understandable to him. He told me that when I prayed in our small group, it was real to him, it actually made sense and he could agree with it. He said I have a huge gift by being able to understand people and communicate between them. Or something to that effect :). All to say, what he said really was a confirmation to me that I was doing something purposeful. Whether I am just there for people in conversation, getting together with them, studying how people work in books I read and classes I take, and just encouraging others . . . its a good thing! As these things are a major part of my life (most of my life, actually) it was just so nice to hear confirmation that there is a point behind it. Although there is no good definition for what it is that I do, what I do is important. If nothing else, I had the privilege of making one individual more comfortable, feel more loved, and helped Him know God a little bit more.

A Few Pictures

2009-04-03T14:41:00.000-04:00

These are pictures from my parents visit here at the beginning of March. I already miss them a lot! Many of these pictures were in Annapolis, MD. Click on the link below to see them:

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=edfamly&target=ALBUM&id=5319578121050427761&authkey=Gv1sRgCPCFlK_m0ryuxQE&feat=email

Done with #1

2009-03-31T10:53:00.000-04:00

Yey! I got an A! I finished my first class at Ashford last week and I just received my grade and three credits. Only 36 credits more to go (12 classes) . . . But its the process of learning that is the joy, right? Not the degree? That's what I am telling myself, at least! After all, I did enjoy this class. I was able to be introspective, thinking about who I am, where I came from and where I am going. I had fun analyzing various theories, seeing if I really agreed with them (and if so, looking at where they apply). I discovered I should have 4 or more kids if I want a better chance to live to one hundred. And, I have been validated by science that having a strong "religious" belief will help me deal with grief, death, and life much better. If anything, I have figured out "adulthood" to a greater degree, which makes me feel like I better understand people. Now that this class is done, I have slightly less "deep" things to consider, such as cloth diapers (if you read my last post). Maybe I need to be in another class ASAP!

Going Cloth

2009-03-30T22:56:00.000-04:00

I have been obsessively reading about cloth diapers of late. I know, I know. It is such a time waster. And I know, I know, cloth diapers are "gross." Still, all that time wasted has convinced me that I want to use them. I already considered using them with Avilynne, but I just never got far enough to go for it. I tried gDiapers for awhile (part cloth, part disposable), but it took more time as I had to separate the washing parts from the disposable parts. And, the disposable parts clogged the toilet. It wasn't convenient. And, it would have ended up being slightly more expensive.

Yet, here I am at playing babies round two. I have a fresh chance to try them out again. Although cloth diapers has a starting out cost, it pays for itself within six months. I would save at least $1000, if not closer to $1500 with my son, if I don't use disposables. And, if they wear well, I can reuse them with other children. In that case, saving about $2000 (more or less) in the future per child as long as the diapers last. Of course, they aren't going to last forever, and who knows how many more kids we will have, anyways. But, it COULD not just save us money with Baby #2, but sequential children from here on out.
After all, It is amazingly better for the environment. Economic. Environmentally kind. And they have fun colors and designs! Really! Why wouldn't I want to do cloth diapers?!!

Well, there are the obvious reasons. Can it really be convenient? Can other people besides me handle cloth diapers? Isn't it more messy, nasty, and Stinky? Isn't it EXTREMELY anti-American!? Its counter-cultural! After all, It doesn't help the big market companies out, and gives into the planet-saving cult of money-making-organic-swooning-opportunists! Then there are the deeper issues: Will my friends and family reject me because of my odd decision to "go cloth?"

As I have been wrestling with these questions, I am becoming convinced that the pros still outweigh the cons. For example, they are much more convenient than they used to be. You don't have to fold them. You don't have to pin them. Heck, you don't even have to use "fitteds" with diaper covers! You can just use one piece, just like a normal disposable. Use a cloth wipe, so you don't have to separate the "throw away" from the keepable pile. Instead of throwing the dirty lump into the diaper genie, you throw it in the diaper pail. Instead of emptying the stinking diaper genie 1-2 times a week (gagging in the process), and going out to the trash with it . . . you just dump the contents of the pail in the washer every couple days. Of course, your probably still gagging : ) But, this makes cloth sound so smooth and ideal! Of course, it won't be. When is anything ideal? I have no doubt that it will be a learning curve until we get the swing of it. Then it will be ideal!

There is also the process of hoping the cloth diapers you have chosen are the best ones for your kid. Because, if not, there are consequences. Not all cloth diapers are equal, and some are better at different stages. After all, sometimes Pampers worked better for Avi. Then other times Huggies did. Sometimes the cheap brand, Loves, did also. But I never had a storebrand which worked well with her. But some people I knew could use kirland's or walmart's with no problems. So, although disposables have the same issue, if I realized she was blowing out all the time, I could always buy a new box of diapers. I might lose a good $5, $10, or even $20. But as the expense of disposables is gradual, it wasn't that big of a deal. Whereas, if I buy the wrong cloth diapers, that would be a lot more of a problem.

Hence, my plan is as follows: We will start, as a newborn, in disposables. They are in them for just a few weeks anyways, and if I used cloth for a newborn I'd have to buy a ton of them for that time period. Besides, I need to "move into" cloth. Not starting cold turkey. After the first month or so I will transition. I am collecting an assortment of the best-reviewed cloth AIO diapers and one-size Pocket diapers to have on hand. I plan of not buying enough of these, so that I can choose what works the best on him and then buy more of that brand/style. Still, I will only have a portion of those being the ones I particularly think are perfect, as I am getting quite a few now to try out. And I still plan on using all of these, whether they are the "best" for my kid or not. Besides, what might be best at the beginning will probably not be best later on.

There are two styles I am planning on using. One is the "AIO," which is an all-in-one diaper (breathable waterproof on the outside, while soaking up on the inside nice and softly). These are just great. They are convenient; they are no different than disposables. Well, except you don't trash them, obviously. Even though they are all-in-one, if all else fails and they don't soak up enough and leak, there is a place where you can add an extra liner to take care of these problems just in case. The only draw-back is that you have to buy these in multiple sizes, throughout the kids diaper-career. I.e., they will cost more. Still, as I won't be using extra small, and by toddlerhood I'll be working on potty training, I might only need two sizes. But, this is still a drawback for me.

The other type is a one-size diaper. These are awesome because you only need one set of these for the whole time your child is in diapers. They have all these snaps and adjustments to go from a 5lb. baby to a 35lb. child. Kinda like a car-seat : ) Of course, they will fit better sometimes more than other times. On a newborn, they would be extremely bulky. But hey, they are convenient if you have two kids in different size diapers wearing them (I plan on experimenting with them on Avi for my own entertainment). They bring the cost down in the long-run, and keep you from having to try to find what diaper fits today and which one doesn't. You just adjust the snaps or Velcro until it fits, because, it will (It Better!). They make these very nicely, and are almost as easy as AIOs. But they aren't as easy, though, as they are generally pocket diapers. A pocket diaper is the second most convenient type of cloth diapers. They have the whole diaper together (waterproof, and soft soaking layer) just like the AIOs. Yet, the AIOs only use inserts if you really need them. Pocket diapers need to have inserts put in them or you'll regret it. The main reason they keep them separate is that they dry much sooner when they are separated, and another reason is....I have no clue. Surely there is another reason. They wash better? They have longer lives that way? You can adjust how much wetness they hold? True, but you can already do that with an AIO. For all I know, they might be just as easy to use as an AIO, at least putting them on they would be. But I am more confused how this works when you take them off, do you actually have to take out the liner then, separating the parts to wash? Or can you just keep the liner in when you wash it? I don't know. But I do know that I will be trying these two types of diapers as I think they are the best type of cloth diapers.

Generally, I have confidence that the styles I am getting are the best after doing a ton of research. After all, their reviews are great, and are acclaimed as easiest. At least they will work if not be best, right? As of now I think I will like the BumGenius ones the best, although Thristies, Fuzzi Bunz, Kushies, and Happy Heines (among others) are some of the types I am trying. If I like a certain brand, I'll probably try just using the homemade copies from ebay of the more expensive brand names. If any of you are cloth diaper users, I would appreciate your thoughts and feedback. As I am ambitiously striving to go cloth, and become part of your cult, I need that wisdom! Afterall, I live in one of the richest counties in one of the richest countries in the twenty-first century! I am too privileged to know how to move forwards by going 'backwards' by using what is normal to the majority of other countries and thousands of years of generations. Go cloth!

(Note: If I regret this decision in the future, kindly try to not rub it in my face violently)

If I had Six Months to Live . . .

2009-03-12T13:55:00.000-04:00

If I had six months to live what would I do? This was a discussion question I had to write an answer for after we studied the chapter about death and dying in my adult development psychology class. Its easy for me to write lists of goals to do throughout my life time. I try to make a new list yearly as its interesting for me to see what stays the same and what changes. But if my perceived life-time was shortened to just six months? That means I would be dying around my 25th birthday, in September. I guess as follows is what I would hope those six months to look like:

I think firstly, I would live out a spiritual purpose to a greater extent. I would try to know God more. I believe in the afterlife, and that I will go to heaven because I have trusted Jesus to cover over anything I've done wrong. I believe my hope during this six month time period would be based upon this faith I have. I would probably capitalize on it to try to know God more now if I will spend the afterlife with Him as well as to sustain me with as much peace as possible before I die.

I have always believed I am alive for a reason. I don't think I would try to be consumed with the question "Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?" but I would hopefully try to be purposeful with my time, spending it in ways that could continue making an impact after I died. It would just be trying to have an overall attitude of investment.

Spending time with my family and trying to make it easier on them would be a major focus for me. I think I would try to leave something behind for my daughter and soon-to-be son to help them know who their mother was. I'd probably try to make a journal and/or scrapbooks for them, as well as leave them cards/videos for different ages of their lives. I would likely make something similar for my husband which I hope would help him remember me and let go of me at the same time. Of course, just trying to spend a lot of time and create memorable experience with them as well as my parents and other family members and friends would be my hope.

I have no doubt that I would try to take care of arrangements after I die, such as for my children's upbringing and funeral stuff. I'd also write down some ideas and plans I have which I would have love to spend my life doing. Maybe someone would catch those visions and take them on to use them as a positive impact in the world. I would also hope to record some of the music I have written, and finish some artwork I have never finished.

I'd love to spend some of my time traveling, maybe going away every few weeks to visit people I know in California and other places. I'd also love to travel some more internationally, going to locations I have never been but have always hoped I'd have a chance to go. I would hope that it could be fun and enjoyable traveling, yet also I would love to go places where I could help during the time I was visiting. I don't think I would be so concerned with how I was helping, as much as just knowing I had a chance to get my mind off of myself and my condition, whether that would be distributing relief aid, teaching ESL, working in orphanages or spending time showing love to people forced into prostitution or slavery.

Randomly, I would also love to go parceling once. Mainly I just hope I could wrap up my life and relationships here, make a difference and prepare for moving on. I would love to be an example of living the shortness of life I have left as life to the fullest.

Global Prayer Day for Burma

2009-03-08T16:51:00.002-04:00

What's Going on In Burma?

Officially Myanmar, the country of Burma is nestled between Thailand, India, China, and the ocean. The current government is a military dictatorship which will not relent to the people's democracy, keeping the rightful leader of the country under house arrest. The U.S., along with other countries, do not officially recognize the military regime of Myanmar, hence the confusing dual-names. The military is ruthless to non-Buddhist religious groups (along with Buddhists who make a stand), political groups and ethnic minority groups. Burma is considered one of the world's most brutal and oppressive regimes; there is virtually no freedom of speech, assembly or association. Media control, forced labor, human trafficking, child labor and rampant sexual violence are all some of the common abuses carried out by the government. Various ethnic groups, notably a people group called the Karen, seem to be marked for extermination. Although the international community does not consider the people groups that are being chased down and killed as genocide, it is likely that is what is happening (After all, when has the international community ever officially acknowledged a genocide while it is in the process?). There is a large number if Internationally Displaced People within the country and many refugees that try to escape do not have success. Also, the economy is terrible due to mismanagement. Along with the oppression, the Burmeses difficulties are worsened by the typical difficulties the poor face in underdeveloped countries. Recently, there was also an extremely deadly cyclone which destroyed part of the country, in which the government blocked international aid at the most crucial time.

That is a basic summary of why Burma needs prayer and advocates. Although these people might be on the other side of the globe, in a different world than us essentially, they are still humans. They are individuals with their own families and stories. Many of those targeted for death and destruction have the same faith as I do. They are my brothers and sisters. God doesn't promise a life of peace, and safety. Rather Jesus stated that those who follow Him would suffer in many cases. Yet if we can relieve their suffering we should. Although I can't physically be there with them, binding their wounds, hearing their hearts or be in an international court as their representative I can still do something. I can still be aware of them, that they aren't too far beyond me. I can share their trials with you. I can pray that God gives them strength in the difficulties they face, that He would bring them life in their suffering and that God will be made more famous because of these beautiful people who have to suffer from the evil in this world.

If you'd like some more information, hear some stories of what is going on, or look for ways to help please check out some of the following websites:

http://www.prayforburma.org/
http://uscampaignforburma.org/
http://www.prayforburma.org/

An Essay on Personalties in Jobs

2009-03-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

(Note: The first two paragraphs are "blah, blah, blah" explanations of the theory. Only the last paragraph is personal)

John Holland's theory on personality in the workforce in based on six various categories of people. Holland's hypothesis is that the occupation that best matches our personalities is the one in which we will be the most successful and satisfied at. He also believes that we each tend to choose the occupation that best matches our personalities.

To summarize the six personalities, firstly, there is the Realistic Type which is aggressive, physical, and has low interpersonal skills (taking jobs such as a mechanic or repairman). There is also the Investigative Type (abstract, thinking, enjoying challenging tasks, and low in social skills such as a scientist); there is the Artistic Type (an example being a graphic artist as they prefer to be unstructured, have individualized activity, and are often asocial) and there is the Social Type (people-loving, needing attention, dislikes ordered activity, and chooses services jobs such as education). Lastly there are the Enterprising Type and the Conventional Type; the former likes to be in charge, organizes, and leads such as a manager or entrepreneur. The later could be an office assistant as they like subordinate roles, guidelines, and are precise (Boyd and Bee; 105-106).

If you want, here is a short free online version of the Holland Code Test (Which helps categorize your work personality based on how you answer the questions): http://www.roguecc.edu/counseling/HollandCodes/test.asp

I thought Holland's theory made a lot of sense as I read through the personality types. My electrical engineer husband fit the Investigative Type personality perfectly; then I read that they are often engineers. Go figure! He is extremely satisfied in his career. I, on the other hand, often find myself doing Conventional Type jobs which I am normally very unfulfilled as a person in, so much so that when offered a Conventional Type job position recently I refused it although I knew I could do it just fine. I love doing art, yet I can't handle being alone in it. This is because my work personality is firstly the Social Type (then secondly Artistic); I often do not feel fulfilled and content in life unless I purposefully add large doses of unscheduled human interaction to my day, especially if its helping or teaching people. In my current job as a "Domestic goddess and World Changer" (my title according to my business card, at least) I often find myself doing work which fits in most of these categories; there is basic housework and chores (Realistic), dealing with paperwork and schedules (Conventional), managing those in my household and groups I am involved with (Enterprising), and all types of unstructured creativity for various reasons (Artistic). Yet, unless I am doing things that fall into the Social Type of job personality, I am normally discontent and unmotivated to work. Thereby I tend to be more unsuccessful in what I do than being successful at it. I guess I agree with Holland's theory, then. I can do many types of work, and when it is my responsibility I will try to do my best at being faithful in whatever job I have. Yet, I am most successful and most satisfied doing jobs which are the "Social type"or at least artistic in nature, due to who I am as the person God made me to be.

Validation: Smile!

2009-02-25T13:47:00.000-05:00

Take the 16 minutes to watch this film, you leave it being happy : )
"So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing."
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Bigger and Better

2009-02-22T15:38:00.000-05:00

Just about 30 weeks preggo- Only two months more or less to go!

Yes, this isn't necessarily the most proper movie scene, but I love this clip from Juno. So many great phrases about pregnancy and pregnancy tests all packed into two short minutes - "Er-a-go-is preggo." "What is the prognoses Fertile Myrtle?" and "That ain't no etch a sketch, this is one doodle that can't be un-did, Home Skillet."

Update on Avilynne (Eighteen Months)

2009-02-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

Cute Kid, huh?
Happy 1/2 year birthday, Avilynne!
Avi peed in the toilet for the first time today! Yey Avi! I've been working on early potty training, which has been a huge challenge (probably more so for me than her!). Yet progress is being made, so I am trying not to complain.

In addition to Avi's body functions getting on the floor during her diaper-free "naked time," She also spilled all my lemonade everywhere and dumped a box of cereal all over. And this is just one day of Ms. Trouble's antics. All to say, she has a talent for making me clean our floor. Thank God for hardwood!

Avi has a few favorite toys. Her real favorites are everything but her actual toys. But among her actual toys, Avi loves ridding a rocking horse she has. This is rather scary to us as she is so small on it but rocks so hard. She also loves her "bal." She has a plethora of balls, ranging from being as huge as her, to almost small enough to put in her mouth. Avi likes to bounce her hard plastic balls along the floor. Today I discovered these sound like bombs going off from underneath, where our friend Deborah's bedroom is. Now, having heard that, I sincerely feel sorry for "Auntie Deb-deb."

Avilynne likes to climb and stand in precarious positions, tear things apart, get into everything she shouldn't, and a whole bunch of other things which toddlers do to make our life difficult. Her recent addition to her vocabulary is "mo!" For all of you who don't know what that means, this is her version of no. Oh, such a lovely word.

For the most part, though, Avi is a great kid. She is a sucker for attention from all of us, and strangers (oh yes, especially males). She still sleeps well at night, often plays well by herself, and climbs up and down the stairs when we ask her to (which helps me a ton). She responds at least 1/2 of the time the right way to our warnings and discipline. Except, she does everything but "come here" when we ask her : ) She does think everything is funny, though, which is funny in itself. Being even cuter than a button (thankfully) probably helps make her delightfully endearing. One of these cute things Avi does has been putting on Josh's, mine, or whoever's pair of shoes. Its really amazing to me that she can actually walk wearing them, tromping around somehow without falling.

One thing I am worried about is her understanding of the word "baby." To Avilynne, baby is a real baby/toddler, it is a doll, and it is also my big belly. Last night I was trying to get her to hold her baby-doll, and she kept pulling up her shirt and rubbing her belly. I've been wondering why she has been pulling up her shirt recently and rubbing her belly, and it finally dawned on me she thinks belly and baby are the same! Either that or she thinks she has a baby in her belly. Afterall, she does regularly rub my belly while doing her sign and mumble for "baby." She also did that to Josh the other day, pulling up his shirt, rubbed his belly and called it a baby. I am hoping she doesn't do this to a self-conscious, non-pregnant woman!

Her doctors said all is well with her physical self. She is pretty much average in size and developing the way she should. Avi's hair is getting longer, so I am constantly trying new hairstyles on her thin, straight, blond/brown hair. Otherwise it eventually just lays flat, going forward, slick against her forehead and over her ears. Technically, she should be the envy of any teenaged-emo-skater-boy, as her hair does that current style naturally. But that style just looks bad on a toddler girl. I am curious to see if it will curl at the bottom as it gets longer, as it seems that it might do that. Anyways, there is always more going on with our kid, but I can't think of anything else now. Hence, this update will have to suffice for her 1 1/2 year update. Take care!

Ashford University

2009-02-16T13:16:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I officially start at Ashford University. It is about one hundred years old, starting as a Catholic girls school in Iowa, it is now a typical little-known University. Wisely, the jumped on the wagon of doing online education, and are in competition with large online schools like Phoenix, and Kaplan, although much cheaper.

I was hoping to finish my Bachelor's Degree before I had children, yet with one year to go I had Avilynne. Of course, I prefer Avilynne to a piece of paper which said I went to school, I sorely have still wanted to finish it. I often try to figure out my motives, which I believe is a large mix of things. American culture says its wise to get a degree, yet as I don't currently need one (and won't likely in the future), and its anything but convenient at this point of my life, it is very hard to justify. As to not go into a long monologue of why I am still pursuing my degree, I'll just leave it at that I am still pursuing it. I know I will regret it in life if I do not continue to try doing so. And in doing so, I have gained much respect for the women (and even men) who go back to school and take up the challenge to complete a degree as an adult. I do not think everyone should, but I do respect those who go to the extreme work it is to do so at a later age in life, as there are so many more challenges to overcome.

A year ago I discovered Ashford after spending hours online researching and talking on the phone with a myriad of enrollment counselors from many a school. My main qualification was that they would have a degree I was actually interested in, at least in many ways similar to what I was studying at George Mason. That, and that they would accept pretty much all my credits, which would be a very rare find as I am a senior. It turned out that I would actually have to do less courses with Ashford than I would at GMU, and it would end up being cheaper and quicker (if I did it all at once). It will take me a little more than a year to complete my degree if I took a 6 week class regularly (about 8-12 hours of work a week). I don't plan on doing that, as my class schedule will be based upon how busy I am with my kids and everything else in life, as well as how much we can afford for me to take a class at a time. Even though I probably won't finish by next Spring, at least I actually might finish, and hopefully so within a few years, if not less! My degree has changed from a Bachelor of Science in Anthropology (concentrating on cultural and public anthro) to Bachelor of Art in Social Sciences (with a concentration in anthropology). Anyways, I am excited and I thought you'd all like to know.

Fight FOCA!

2009-02-15T12:06:00.000-05:00

I really am not too sure about how much we can currently do to "fight" off legislation such as the Freedom of Choice Act. Write your congress member, as the invisible they always says to do. Sure, give money if you know of a wise way to invest it in the cause. Pray. Yet at least, heck, sign a freakin' petition! Who knows if it even really helps (I like to think it does). If nothing else, it at least makes you take a stand and become educated about something that is rather important.

Although most of you know I am anti-abortion (but please note, I am NOT anti- those who have had them), even those I know who are pro-abortion would most likely be against this all-encompassing piece of legislation. Really, partial birth abortion is just sick (look it up if you aren't sure), at least let parents be informed to what goes on with their child (how can you be a parent if they take that away?), PLEASE tell the women about the risks and facts of abortion (isn't that a given for all medical procedures?), and at least let the Dr. be licensed to perform them! Okay, maybe the whole thing of FOCA isn't terrible, but many of the things which it would legalize or outlaw are just totally not necessary, and, in honesty, are ridiculous. It has too much within it to be passed as one single piece of legislation. This Act goes far beyond being "neutral" to the pro- or anti- abortion cause, in which one could adhere to either moral conviction. Yes, I know I don't really agree that morally neutral law is generally possible anyways, or good, even. But FOCA strictly forces on our society a moral acceptance, elevating abortion to a fundamental right in which even common sense must be disregarded. Even the monies, resources and medical skills of those against abortion (or at least not in favor of) would be used to help abortion happen, no choice about it. Research FOCA if you aren't too sure, but at least look at it from multiple sources and view of how the legislation would work, if for some reason it seems ok to you.

All to say, just sign a petition! Really.
And here is my activism for the week : )

Imbalanced Unbalancement

2009-02-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

I know at times I appear to despise my life in Northern Virginia. And other times I act fully engrossed and happy with it. Rather, its generally neither, not at least fully. I am happy often. I hate it often. Sometimes I am content and sometimes I am not. My melody is one of contradiction.

Recently, I realized, I don't think its so much a hate or an enjoyment of my life here which is worth considering. Those are just the emotions I feel at the moment depending on how my life is pushing or pulling or just sitting here. I think in reality the deeper force is not so much what I feel but how balanced I am. There's the rub.

I am a firm believer in balance. Yoga lovers, PHD holders, Pastor Mike and Jimmy down at the bar, would probably all describe 'balance' differently. Even so, I think most of us feel or at least get out of control when we are unbalanced. And I venture to say, most of us are unbalanced, extremely so in many a case. I generally consider 'balance' not doing too much of one thing and too little of another. I think one should exercise their brain (not sitting watching TV all day). I think people should know what they feel, especially as it almost always effects their actions. I believe its good to eat healthy food, sleep enough, feel well and take walks and such (although being physically fit is often lowest on my priorities because I take my health for granted). I think its important to have relationships, and healthy to have alone time (Yes, even though I am an extrovert I still value alone time). And most importantly, I know the spiritual side of me needs that void constantly filled by a relationship with God, which helps everything else fall into line.

I, I am not balanced. There are many ways in which I see I am unbalanced in my life, and maybe I'll go into those another time. But yes, I think this explains a lot about my rantings and ravings. I am unbalanced. And as such, I am often discontent.

NYC

2009-02-04T10:09:00.000-05:00

Avilynne did amazingly well with Deborah, her weekend babysitter. It was such a good thing that we didn't try to bring her with us. I also did amazingly well without Avi (I'll blame it on pregnancy hormones, but I did shed a tear or two on my way out the door).

We almost missed our bus. But, hey, we didn't. It was freakin' cold in NYC! I am SOOOOO ready for spring. I am pretty sure my bum was about to be amputated due to frostbite. We stayed with Josh's childhood friend, Adam, and his wife Erin in their nice, small Manhattan apartment on the tenth floor (last picture is a view from their place).

We took the metro a lot. We saw Times Square, The Statue of Liberty, and Ground Zero. We went into Macy's and smelled perfume, bought cheap "I love NYC" T-shirts, took the Staten Island Ferry, and stood at the top of the Empire State Building. We ate amazing halal street food, and had an exciting experience eating at a vegetarian Indian food restaurant (while I braved onions). It was hard moving around so much with my big belly, but I managed thanks to our gracious hosts and Josh constantly checking on me. I don't think pregnant people live in NYC. I might of seen just one on the whole trip, but that person might not have even been pregnant.

In a nutshell was our trip to New York City. It was a much needed distraction from life at home for myself, and it was fun to be together without Avilynne. I think New York City fell from grace in my mind from being poetically romantic as the greatest city to being just a really big city where I am glad I don't live. We both enjoyed the NYC and the trip a lot, though.

Snow Day Video (and other happenings this week)

2009-01-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Avi played in the snow this week, our first really big snow storm. Go figure, she likes to eat snow. Very very cold snow. I do too, I understand. Snow is almost as good as ice, but it doesn't crunch enough. I did lie though, this video is from a week ago, not this week. And this video is actually really bad, too. I was very excited about putting up a video, but the one I really really wanted to put up was too long. So, this one will have to do.

I am now a little over 26 weeks pregnant. Although the morning sickness, viruses and mono are all gone (Thank You God!), it seems back and lower ligament pain has taken its place. Little did I ever know that I had ligaments oh way down there, but apparently baby johnston has taken it upon himself to stretch those out as much as he is able. At least that's what my OBGYN says is what is happening, though it seems so much more severe than that. How kind of my baby to do that for me. Thankfully, everything else is well, as far as I know. I go to the Dr. next week and I get another ultrasound, so maybe I'll update you again then.

As for myself, I have been fighting hard against not living in a depressed pit. It seems I've been pounded on by a mix of hormones, winter, feeling like I am not having enough time with people I need to spend time with, and just getting frustrated about how nothing I get involved in seems to work out which mixes into a toxic combination of meaninglessness. So, that's been my irksome struggle of late, which, too often has gotten the best of me.

On a positive note, I am looking forward to going on a weekend adventure with Josh to NYC. He has never been there and it has been one of our hopes we'd get a chance to check it out together while on the East Coast. We are taking one of the Chinatown buses (35$ roundtrip) to Times Square and crashing with a childhood friend of Josh's who lives in Manhattan. Our housemate, Deborah, has insanely offered to watch Avi for the weekend as she wants to feel what its like, being a full-time mom. And she kindly wants to give us a break before baby #2 is born. Cheers to "Deb-Deb," though I am not too sure she really will appreciate acting out the favor she is doing for us while actually doing it. This is my first time away from Avi overnight (2 nights), so I am hoping I'll do O.K. (note, I am not worried about Avi, but myself!)

Obama

2009-01-26T15:22:00.001-05:00

My Walmart sells Obama magnets and key chains. They are in our local souvenir section. What does your Walmart sell?

Great Obama quotes I've heard doing errands:

"Daddy, did you know that Michael Phelps is Obama's son?! Really, no! I am telling the truth! I promise, daddy, he really is Obama's son!"
(5 year old child at Target)

"I get to go vote! I'm voting for Obama! Obama! My momma! Obama, momma, momma, obama! OBAMA, MY MAMMA!"
(mom comes out, takes her 4 year old girl's hand, smiles at me sheepishly and walks away with her daughter skipping and singing "Obama Mamma" behind her).

"Well, since I'm kinda libertarian, or independent, sort of, I didn't really know about voting. I mean, if I voted I would have voted for Obama. But I just didn't really, like, vote, so...."
"But they don't count 'but if did vote I would have voted for . . .' votes! Dude, you should have voted! You could have been part of CHAAANGE!"
(Two 18 year old girls, I presumably in high school, at Hallmark)

Flexibility 1,2.3!

2009-01-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Flexible, I am not. I feel like my body would like to shut itself down into a state of Rigamordis. Maybe thats just what happens with age. Have you ever seen a Dr. with a newborn? They take their legs, pushing them up frog-legged, and start flapping them up and down like a chicken's wings. When we saw Avi's pediatrician do that to her the first time, I almost started screaming at him thinking he was about to crack her hips. Amazingly, he didn't. 'Cause babies, I guess, can just do that. He would have broken my pelvis. I would have not been happy. I, apparently, am NOT as flexible as a baby. Maybe that's because I am filled with baby. Baby likes to hang out as low as he can go, to my chagrin. Being pregnant already throws my back off, but of late bending or standing awhile also makes me feel like my pelvis will crack, which makes me fear I will just split open at some point doing the dishes or something innocent like that. Its not terrible, but it is uncomfortable.

Also I am physically extremely inflexible right now, today I had the pleasure of being flexible in life. Although I might often not consider this to be a "pleasure," today it was. I wasn't really too sure what would happen with my day, but I had spent time with God and just knew it was His day that I got to live in. I went to the chiropractor, having conversations with my Dr. and his receptionist both, people whom I've known a long time and have had some great discussions with. The study I lead that day was cancelled, and instead I found myself driving home not really knowing what to do. I drove by a friend's house, whom I just knew I should visit. In all honestly, I really didn't want to visit her. Yet, I pushed that aside, made a U-turn and stopped in to say hi. It turns out she just found out her husband shattered his elbow and she had to meet him at the emergency room. So, not only did we have a good conversation, but I was able to help her out by watching her kid for a bit. I was then able to bring dinner to a friend of mine who just had a baby and hopefully cheer her up. I honestly don't remember more of my day, but one thing I wanted to say before I didn't believe it anymore was......how thankful I am to be able to be flexible. That I don't have a 9-5 job, that I have resources without working myself, that I can just kinda follow what is best and make a difference in the world. Sometimes being flexible bugs the heck out of me, plans being ruined and such. Or even worse, not having any direction whatsoever, or knowing what to do. But, when I let go of my day and was just available to be there for others, it was great. Not being in control can also be good.

Monday's Thoughts

2009-01-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

Today is the first time its actually snowed during the daytime this winter here in NOVA. I like the snow, its exhilarating. What I don't like is snow on the ground long enough to get dirty. In fact, I am pretty sure snow should only exist for a few days at a time, then it should be 75 degrees and sunny. That is one of the most confusing things to me about living were there are seasons. If its winter, even if its sunny out it will still be freezing cold. The sun was out the other day and it was in the teens. In CA, it might be cold for a few days, but once the sun really comes out, its warm again (even if its "winter"). Already the sun has come out today after this short-lived snow fall. Now the snow will melt, even while its still beautiful. Then it will just be nasty cold outside with no reward for the weather.

After being the President for eight years, what would you feel like the day before you left office? Especially when the hope of the nation is on removing you and replacing you with the smooth new guy? What would you do? Would you be satisfied, even if many hate you? Would you be in regret? Would you just be so excited to not be president, or would you be sad. I would hate being president. It is pretty much near the top of my most undesirable job-list. But I would be curious to feel what Bush feels today. Just one day, and not necessarily a very influential one at that.

Although Inauguration always falls at the same time, near Martin Luther King Jr. Day, this year it seems remarkably odd that the days fall back to back. There have just been so many references tying Obama and Martin Luther King Jr. that it seems like it should be a set up. Yet in reality, its normal. Weird.

I read a qoute today I liked on my Starbucks cup. It was pretty much "The person who will someday walk on Mars is alive today. Its probably a two year old little girl in China." I like the quote on the picture, too.

Excitingly, I went through my boxes of Avi's old baby clothing to pick out anything unisex. It turns out I have a lot more unisex clothing than I was aware of. On a negative note, almost all of it were white onsies or tees to wear under something. But that's okay. Someday, someone baby boy of ours is coming and I have apparently started "nesting." I have a lot of thoughts on this, whether it is the pros and cons of where to set up the nursery, the back and forth desires of wanting another baby now and then not, and unknown feelings about having a boy. But, no matter what I think now, it will someday be irrelevant. Someday I will have another child I can't imagine not having. That will be a good thing.

Have you ever thought of how weird worship music is? If your not accustomed to it it would make no sense. Not only does it sound like confused love songs for someone who doesn't exist, but your also pledging all your everything to the non-person, claiming to bow down or dance to them. Its pretty dramatic. Only when you force yourself to remember forms of religion have been around forever is there even a context to try to make sense of it. Maybe being able to imagine some foreign stone-aged people bowing down to an idol is a start in understanding. But then moving that to being a current devotion, that people actually worship God, who is not an idol and is unseen: its wild. It doesn't fit within Western Culture at all. If you tie in Judeo-Christian culture to the Western culture, okay. Then it starts becoming more logical. If you believe and worship God, then it goes beyond logical; its personal, expressive and entirely isn't weird. That is the category I fall into. But it must be so strange to hear worship music through the worldview of Agnostic-Western Culture, a worldview many people I know have. Sometimes it just amazes me that my worldview is so different from those I am around, as it makes so much sense to me. And I guess in this way I am part of the world, but not of it. We see the world through different shades (to put it lightly).

Don't Go For The One

2009-01-11T19:27:00.000-05:00

Good Advice

Oh Boy!

2009-01-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

I forgot to post our happy news. At my 20 week sonogram we found out we are having a BOY. Yep. The male species. A Mr. Johnny John Johnston. Very exciting.

And for those of you who are wondering (based on a previous post), I am glad I found out the sex but I don't think we will again. I am very happy its a boy, as that way it makes it useful that we know its a boy. And in the future if we have more children, I think I will go back to the being surprised method.

Home Again!

2009-01-04T13:47:00.000-05:00

We have arrived at our NOVA home once again after an almost two week vacation. By the end of the first week I was thinking I was ready to come home. Yet sticking it out for another day or two threw me into my "I live from a suitcase" mode and I went into thinking that I didn't actually have a stable home. Its kinda like how animals revert into hibernation although it is nothing like hibernation. I'd call it "Hobo-mode" except that reminds me of the name of a computer program. Anyways, by the time we started on our way back I was mostly incredulous that we have a place to live. Walking into our front door was even weirder. I was sure I had never lived in a place that looked like it, let alone put together by me to look the way our home does. Or maybe it was because our house was spectacularly clean (thanks to Deborah and family!) and the floor was unusually toy-free.

Josh helped me visualize our Christmas vacation through a Google-Earth lens. Zooming into various locations throughout Michigan and then out again, seeing the people, personalities and activities in each place really helps you mentally capture how small our worlds really are in the grand-scheme of the world. And now I am zoomed back into my Northern Virginia world, where I shop at the same stores, drive the same circuit and often talk to the same people. Its all rather odd, really. It seems trite. Yet, this blog entry is not to discuss my thoughts and feeling since being back (although, in case you couldn't tell that's REALLY what I actually want to be writing about now). I figured its only fair to give a brief overview of our trip first, as some have been asking.

Firstly, we had an amazingly easy trip to Harbor Beach, MI. Avilynne was an angel on the 10+hr. drive in between two snow/ice storms the Saturday before Christmas.

We stayed in Harbor Beach with Josh's adoptive family, the Hill family whom he went on a missions trip to Guatemala with when he was a teenager. Since then he has enjoyed spending the holidays with them when he can, and I was able to enjoy the experience. And no, I am not just saying I enjoyed it because I know they might be reading this, but I really did. It was fun, relaxing, connecting and all those good things. They might have adopted Avilynne even more effectively than they adopted Josh. And I am pretty sure Avilynne adopted their cat, to Waffle's chagrin. I learned how to play Aggravation, we made snowmen (and women and pigs), had some jam sessions and I received a plethora of Christmas presents from Josh (to my amazement). The week went by quickly (as all good weeks must go).

After I had officially convinced my wise family (who learns from previous experience) that this time, really, we really really weren't coming to visit......the weather cleared up and we decided to see the Fox family (my aunt, uncle and cousins) in the Upper Peninsula. The trip to the arctic wasn't as nice as the one to the Hill's. There was terrible fog all the way there, equal to a good-day's fog on the central coast. Much of the time you couldn't see a few car lengths in front of us. Avilynne also thought it was a good idea to stay awake when very tired, so she wasn't the most pleasant child. But we made it, and once again we had a lovely time. I am pretty sure its impossible to not have a lovely time in the UP, no matter how cold it is. The people are just to great (along with the REAL Mackinaw Island Fudge Ice Cream). Of course I always delight in spending insane amounts of time with Brittany, my fair maiden, whether in deep conversation or just laying around together. I'm pretty sure she was the only one who said anything of value, because I only remember jibber-jabbing about really important things like depilatory cream at 2 a.m. and wondering why I didn't really have much more to say. Anyways, it was still superb.

On the 30th, we finally got into our car to leave around 5pm and very bravely attempted to make it to Kalamazoo, to Josh's grandparents that night. It was snowing and not so nice of a drive, but we did get there at 2am or so. We stopped for a nice anniversary dinner in some ski-resort looking bay town. It reminded me of a frozen Santa Barbara, and I think I might like to check it out at day-time someday. The time with Josh's grandparents was short, but good. We were also able to see some of his extended family, cousins, aunts, and other relatives whom are somehow relatives as they had a New Year's get-together while we were there.

On New Year's Eve we drove to a Detroit Suburb were we hung out with the Hill family and their extended family for their annual awesome shindig. We were able to see another good friend of ours there, which was sweet. Although we didn't stay at the party until the ball dropped, it was more than well-worth going to.

Lastly, we stayed at this amazing hotel that night. Josh was trying to surprise me, staying at the same Victorian Inn we stayed at last year for our anniversary. Instead we stayed at the Victorian Inn right next door (which was yellow instead of pink). Yet this hotel too was also awesome; the biggest difference being that we traded a full-body massage chair (pink hotel) for a fireplace (yellow hotel). I'm a sucker for huge hot tubs, so I was without doubt a happy camper that night in luxury. I am pretty sure if I become rich someday I will get a massive hot tub before I give the rest of my money to the poor. Because, of course, I am noble like that. Its a nice thought, anyways.

Then we came home.

Okay, for all of you who skipped reading the above description, just look at this map and all your questions will be answered. Maps are sorta like genies. They answer questions, sadly just not with the phrase "Your wish is my command."

Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-16T17:06:00.001-05:00

I have felt slightly stressed about Christmas. The travel plans were especially the problem, but now that is seeming more hopeful as josh and I decided we want to make each other happy and be good together as we try to travel with a toddler and an overworked person and a mono-infested 20 week pregnant person. Yes, much more hope! In fact, we might even have a tentative plan (that is pretty impressive for us... really impressive).

Presents are another stressful part of Christmas. I realized mid-week that if we leave at the end of this week, I should figure out Very Very quickly what I will do about Christmas presents.

I love giving presents and getting presents. Really. Its nice. Honestly, though, I hate feeling forced to get a present for someone when I don't have an idea what to get them, or just because I have to. I like giving presents when I feel like they will like it, its not just something that must be given so I will find some crap to give them just for the sake of it. As that is the case, I generally don't want to give presents to whoever I can't find the right present for. Which doesn't leave me much time as I generally forget its near Christmas until its near Christmas. Or that its some one's birthday until the day of their birthday. Even if they are my closest friend or family member, I personally would prefer to not give anything than it not be the RIGHT thing. This doesn't always work, because socially sometimes I can't get over the "not giving" a present to whom I feel I MUST give a present to. And so I do give something to them that they'll probably re-gift next year. And then I feel I wasted money (because I did). Yet I am starting to come out of that and am believing that its okay if I don't get a present for whoever. That's WAY less stressful. Its just stuff anyways, right? Oh wonderful stuff. Yet, in reality, finding the "perfect" gift for someone is such a happy happy thing. I love that. Therefore, its almost worth it to spend all my time finding the "perfect" gift for the few people I would like to get presents for.

I also don't really feel the need to spend a lot of money. Unless I really believe they will love it. But still, if that is the case, I would probably only spend that on my husband as I don't have very much free money to spend on gifts. But, even if I did spend a lot for my husband, he'd probably get mad at me for spending a lot of money on something that isn't what he absolutely needed even if he wants it really bad. He's so funny. Therefore, I almost never ever do that (and don't think I ever have). And hence this paragraph is officially pointless.

I do get sick by the "I deserve" a present mode. Christmas consumerism makes me sick. I greatly enjoy staying away from stores and TV this time of year. I mean, I like presents. I want them, though I am okay with not having a ton. Generally when I do expect gifts I only expect them from close family or friends. And since they are my close family, I feel like they have the right to not give me a present also because we are supposed to be very understanding and I don't want them to get me crap just cause they feel like they have to. Because then they would feel like how I hate to feel, and besides, I don't need crap. Last year my parents gave me a small ethnic rug. It was a nice rug, I liked it. I thought that was all they gave me. Part of me was slightly sad, because if I got a bigger present, it would be from them. But the other part of me was happy that they didn't feel the need to give me something. And I liked that even more than I felt sad. Later, I found out they also gave me a gift-card to get a whole bunch of new clothing. It must have gotten lost in the wrapping and was thrown away. A waste, very true. But all to say, it was a good thing because I was happy thinking that they knew they didn't have to do something special because its Christmas and we are forced to give gifts then.

I like being able to give freely, not forced. Of course, this is my husband's worldview, which drove me mad in the first couple years of marriage. But I think I might be adopting it (though I don't think I can fully do so). I love it that he gives me flowers all year long, but heck, can't you give me flowers on Valentine's day too even though it is forced on you? But maybe I agree, even if I don't fully always like it.

I guess to me Christmas is more of a season than one day. And that season is wonderful because of the people in it, the smells, lights, foods, and music associate with it. I like the traditions that go with it, especially the "religious" ones, as some would call them. I love the nativity story and I hope that the joy of that is passed to my daughter, the joy of the "light of the world" as opposed "I deserve gifts" because its Christmas. Knowing how to do gifts with my kids is a whole new territory I am not too sure I want to set a standard in. I love the fact that my Grandmita never sets a standard with gifts. Sometimes she gives large gifts. Sometimes she sends a card. It reduces the expectation that "I deserve" a gift from her, and it makes it so much more real and heart-felt. I might want to do that with my children. Yet, on the other hand, getting a "big" present once a year like a bike or a doll house was wonderful too, because when else would I ever get something like that? Its an opportunity to give something large and make my kid happy. Yet, the values and expectations I want my children to have has nothing to do with getting presents, so therefore giving to them becomes a fine balance between loving them (which sometimes comes out in the form of giving to them), not spoiling them, and really, teaching them how to love others and be thankful for the blessings they have.

Chinese-ish

2008-12-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

I've been violently craving Chinese food of late.

Yes, I crave food typically. Ice cream is always good, as is shrimp (especially with steak). When pregnant I have craved goldfish crackers, cookies, peppermint-coffee drinks, and many other delicacies such as dirt. But I have never craved food with such desire until this week. On Monday, I smelt a whiff of Chinese food, and I pretty much thought I would die if I didn't have any.

I remedied that by having pepper-beef with fried rice, a clementine and an egg-roll. Yet, the craving still hasn't left. I've made my favorite Jotza' (however that's spelled), the fried wantons in spicy chill-paste and soy-sauce). Now I am tempted to cook up some Hunan Chicken, which I have no clue how to make, let alone barely know what it tastes like.

Everything I smell reminds me of China. I was so excited that Chinese restaurant I went to (which we deemed "Cheap Chinese") actually smelt like China. It had the Chinese spices; they were there! They had to be! Mixed with the smell of whatever they cleaned their tables with, it totally smelt like China. Deborah (the chick who lives with us) gave me a cardboard box (how nice of her....j/k....its pretty for wrapping) which has a perfumy smell of various spices. They are more middle-eastern, yet I am sure there is a slight bit of China-smell in the box. I cooked sausage today, I walked into a room yesterday, I held Avi and.....they all freakin' smell like China! Of course, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. After all, my nose is mostly plugged from my sickness and I have a great imagination.

Last week I read a semi-unhappy book that took place in China. It really had very little too do with China, it was more about a crappy mother/daughter relationship. But the parts that were about China, describing it made me miss that side of the world. When the door was left open the other day, I could hear our Vietnamese neighbor children playing outside. Yes, I realize that although they are Asian they are still not Chinese. But, really, their language is MUCH more Chinese sounding than our own. And hence, it just gave me the feel of being in another country, hearing the sounds outside the windows. It brought up all these happy feelings. I just got a mailer a few minutes ago for Chinese food which had a beautiful classic Chinglish quote on it: "All Special Included Eggroll." Lastly, a good friend of ours is visiting all over China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan this month. Her updates and pictures are great.

All to say, maybe these things are contributing to my food-cravings. Whatever the reason, though, China (not Georgia) is on my mind.

Random

2008-12-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

I heard an entertaining view-point the other day. A little boy was talking to his parent in Target: "Dad, did you know that Michael Phelps is the son of Barrack Obama? No, really, I am serious! I heard it....."
Avi loves the Christmas tree. She's only pulled it on top of her once so far, but hey, we still have the rest of December for such antics! Her favorite ornaments are these red sparkly balls, that luckily aren't breakable. On the other hand, I broke two ornaments in a matter of seconds. No fair.
I want to see this: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/scream.bloody.murder/
I get to go to the Dr., yet again, today. Fun fun!
I do not like Tiramisu Coffee Creamer.

World AIDS Day

2008-12-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

Some People Don't Have a Choice . . .

Today is World AIDS day and the first day of World AIDS month (go figure the day is the first day of the month). I am collecting caregiver kits on behalf of an organization, World Vision, to help out those with AIDS in other countries. These kits go to helping whoever who is taking care of an AIDS patient, its basic stuff like antibacterial soap and latex gloves. I have a small goal, to make 10 kits, but in reality getting people to help provide the materials for that many is hard to do. If you live near me and are interested in picking up stuff for a kit next time you go to Walmart, I provided a list at the bottom of this post. I will probably mail them out next week, so please get them to me before then.

In many places around the world, whole families are ransacked by AIDS. This is sickening, the whole culture of the people revolves around surviving with AIDS in their community. Its an epidemic of sort, only realized in the USA not too long ago, 1981. It is not limited to homosexuals, as some assume. It spreads often because people are either in denial of it, or they don't know enough about it. All to often children become the caretakers of their families because their parents have died from the virus. Famine, poverty, and rape all have roots within it. Jesus was concerned about the sick and the poor, and hence we should too. Just today, since midnight, 3800 children have already been orphaned because of the virus (estimated). One hundred of those just since I have been on the computer. And its not the end of the day yet! Approximately 6000 children are orphaned daily because of it. Although the majority of those with HIV are adults, 2.5 million children are also infected with it. If you don't know much about AIDS, its worth spending 5 minutes of your time learning about, if nothing else but to be thankful for your non-HIV infected self and to harvest some compassion for the 33 million people wake up to the reality of AIDS daily. Here are a few links:

http://www.avert.org/world-aids-day-quiz.php
http://media.worldvision.org/getinvolved/aids_experience/index.html
http://www.wvexperience.org/learn_crisis.asp

Also, if you'd like to help me with a caretaker kit, here are the ingredients:

Thank you for assembling Caregiver Kits! Each item that goes into the kit(s) you assemble helps
empower local caregivers to provide safe and compassionate care for people living with AIDS.

1 storage container (12-qt. plastic sweater box with lid)
1 notebook (80- to 100-sheet)
4 pens
1 container of petroleum jelly (13 oz.)
3 bars of antibacterial soap
1 box of disposable gloves, latex only* (50 or 100-count)
4 colored washcloths
1 flashlight
2 batteries for flashlight
1 tube of antifungal cream (Clotrimazole or Miconazole brands only*, 1 or 2 oz.)
1 bag of cotton balls (200-count)
A handwritten card to encourage the caregiver who receives the kit

*Please purchase latex gloves only and be sure the antifungal cream is one of the two brands listed.
These items have proven to be most effective in caring for people living with AIDS; please do not
substitute other brands or types of products as they may need to be removed from the kits and replaced.

(cost approx. $25 at a drugstore, unless you buy contents at a local discount store).

Johnston News

2008-11-25T13:57:00.000-05:00

1.) Avi not only still likes to play in toilet water, but she can also now successfully lift the toilet seat (to my dismay).

2.) Baby #2 is kicking and rocking inside. I have actually forgotten how far along I am exactly, but I have been feeling movement since week 16, the earliest possible.

3.) Avi is getting better at walking and she can also officially climb down the stairs as well as go up them. Yeppie! Oh, the wonderful mobile world!

4.) Josh seems to be constantly moving and going, traveling often for work to the Chesapeake Bay, or sometimes he is a little luckier, such as going to FL last week. All to say, I am rightly jealous that he gets to see, go out on and at least have the opportunity to enjoy salt-water. Its rather not fair, as I am the one who loves the ocean, though his pictures and google-earth GPS locator I at least am in touch with the water through some form of media/technology.

5.) Late next week I have my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. As many know, this is THE ultrasound, the one everyone always waits and pines for. We can officially find out the baby's sex. Last time we thoroughly enjoyed not knowing the baby's sex and frustrating you all to no extent, making you guess and be annoyed. Besides it was a ton of fun hearing "its a girl" when Avi came out. Honestly, I am afraid that if we find out what the baby's sex is, then it won't be thrilling or exciting at all when the baby actually is born. My friends tell me this is silly, but I really don't see how it can be thrilling when you know what your having. Of course, maybe that's even more of a reason for me to find out what we are having, so then I can be proven wrong. All to say, Josh is letting me decided if I want to know or not in advance. As typical for a decision of this 'caliber', I cannot decide and I often find myself going over the pro's and con's. Currently I am leaning towards finding out the baby's sex. This is probably because I have been somewhat rather wanting a boy; its an expectation I do not want to carry with me into the delivery room. Besides, if it is a boy, then I can plan for it. Is it possible that is its a girl I can keep it a secret and if its a boy I can know now? That would be ideal! But I guess that just doesn't work since its pretty much a 50/50 thing. Hum. Any comments?

6.) My news of today is that my Dr. called confirming that I have mono, you know the "kissing disease" (or whatever we called it in high school). Isn't that delightful? I got it from our housemate who we think is just getting over it (don't worry, we weren't kissing- at least not like that *wink*). So, this explains why I wake up every morning with a sore throat, still need almost 12 hours of sleep a day in my 2nd trimester, why I have swollen lymph nodes and why I still can't knock off sickness in general (which I've pretty much had some form of sickness since the last week of September). So I am actually not really surprised (or even disturbed) by the news. In fact, if anything I am happy that I have finally been diagnosed with something. This is because a lot of my life I haven't been diagnosed for something when something has often seemed "wrong," so this time I am glad to know I am not a hypochondriac and at least there is some distinction (so therefore I am allowed to not feel well and don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong). If I understand correctly, mono doesn't have a particular treatment and it doesn't effect the baby in me (and Avi shouldn't be able to catch it), so I'm guessing it won't be a life-altering problem until it fades down. I just hope for Josh's sake I haven't given it to him.

7.) Lastly, news wise, I came to the conclusion that I am overall

Content
Doing a lot
But still "being" as my identity

In other words, this is where I often have hoped to find myself for many years. I think I am maybe getting better at not having to define my self-worth with what I do. I've been realizing this as I had a profound revelation that I "do" a ton, a massive amount actually. I am involved in a ton of stuff which surprised me to acknowledge that. But the distinction is that I am not aware of it. It isn't a stressor, it isn't what I live for. Its more so I am living life, and I'm pretty content living life, doing what I do or not doing those things. For those of you not like me, this might make no sense why this is an amazing thing. Yet for some of you, you know exactly what I mean. Anyways, I hope I can continue down the road of contentment with life the way life is and where I am in it.

Avi

2008-11-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

"He will delight over you...rejoice over you with singing."
Zeph. 3:17

Today Avi had her 15 month Dr. appointment. It went well, meaning she is well. She really didn't like the shots. I still hate watching her/helping her get them. Yet the sucker she got immediately after was like salve for her wounds : ) Her screaming quickly turned into the following as soon as she got that lollipop:
She would suck it, drool, yelp, stare meanly and inquisitively at the nurse, suck again, cuddle into me, look behind me to make sure the nurse wasn't coming again, let out another cry, and suck some more. It was cute and funny.

She is walking more, though still falls alot. She walks rather like a proud zombie, smile on her face, arms out in front. She is more whinny now wanting her own way. Sometimes it seems all she does all day is whine. But really, she also still laughs and smiles all the time. Ironically, today when I would expect her to whine she has pretty much been smiling and laughing non-stop. Its great. All day she has been saying "up" and "uhoh" (along with her own unintelligible language).

Avi is a joy. She fits her name well, "the father's delight." Which I take to mean mine too. She just makes life better. Someone told me that once you have a child you can't ever imagine them not being there. Sometimes I try to imagine life without Avi, and to my surprise I always can. Yet in my mind's eye there is one major problem of her not existing (speaking as though she never existed, not as if she died as that would include grief, etc...). If I imagine her just not being, its as if the essence of joy disappears. Its like imagining a world with no light or music. A major missing element is gone. Of course I know that other things that have joy and happiness within them would still be here. But with her gone, all joy fades. Its an oppressed imagery in my mind.

I personally think this is a profound insight to who she is. Yet as I consider it, I wonder how much farther it goes....for every person who should exist that doesn't, is there a major element of joy missing? Like an aborted child? Or any human who dies? Is that what it is like in reality? I feel like maybe in this I have gained a slight glimpse into God's heart, what He feels about each human He created. Maybe that's what the Father's heart really is. What does it mean to be the Father's delight?

Marriage

2008-11-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

I just found out another set of my friends is getting divorced. Sometimes I feel like I hear of a new dissolving marriage every week. These aren't always people I just 'hear of,' but sometimes I am close to them. Of course, its an extreme exaggeration to say every week. Still, it is obvious marriages in America have a hard time surviving. Or its probably more accurate to say marriage between humans have a hard time surviving.

Anthropologists claim that marriage is really a human institution and should not be defined to one man and one woman, as that is not historically accurate. Not so much in the department of marriage being defined as being of the opposite sex, yet more so that a it doesn't work with just one person for life. There is a term for the most common type of marriages (which I forget- serial marriages?), but it holds the same principle as polygamy, having more than one spouse. The only difference is that you hold one spouse at a time, rather than typical polygamy where you have multiple spouses at one time. Whether anthropologists are correct or not with their belief that most marriage is historically not acted out as one man and one woman for a lifetime, that doesn't really bother me. It really might be true, from my vantage point of life right now it seems that it is true most have multiple spouses (or lovers at least) in their lifetimes. What gets me is that anthropologists take this to claim that therefore the current western definition of marriage is incorrect.

It is assumed that marriage must be a human institution which is fundamentally flawed as it doesn't reflect reality. Today I was somewhat depressed that this does seem to be true, that marriage seems to be flawed. Its tempting to blame marriage problems on marriage being the problem. I started feeling worried about my own marriage, as generally is the case when I consider marriages splitting up. After all, Josh and I are rather human having our own issues and problems. It seems it would take a miracle for us to not someday end up as another statistic until all marriages are swallowed up by the ugly head of divorce.

In the midst of my depressed thinking I had a profound revelation. Anthropologists are wrong that Marriage is a human institution, let alone a flawed human institution. Of course, aspects of marriage are cultural, and maybe a part of it has the aspect of being a human institution. Yet, in reality, marriage is a God-given (and blessed) institution. It is not flawed in itself. Obviously, the people in each marriage are flawed. But its not the concept, the covenant, the promise of marriage itself which is flawed. It is divine, supernatural even. That was just so relieving. Therefore, I can conclude from that that if my marriage will survive and thrive, it will because God is involved. I am reminded of an old couple I met who was celebrating their fiftieth(?) anniversary. I asked them what made their marriage last so long. They responded "God is the only way any marriage works." They didn't know if I believed in God, or if I was an atheist. But they themselves had obviously experienced His miracles in their marriage. I can't look in the future and say what will become of my own marriage. Obviously I hope it makes it, and that it is beyond "making it," beyond even a "good" marriage. I hope to end my life with a great marriage, not just at the end but throughout. I can thankfully say that my marriage is dependent on God, the author of marriage. Humbly, we need Him to thrive. We need Him for our own humility, to not just cast blame, to tear down walls, to resist temptations, to forgive, to be bigger than the selfish monster within us. Marriage is not a two person act, it is fundamentally a three person act.

I know most people don't consider marriage as spiritual (even if their sex life is heavenly), and if they do they think of it as freaky. Like how Mormons don't take off their underwear and must all be polygamists and want to be eternally pregnant. Of course, those might be completely false assumptions anyways, but that proves my point. It sounds freaky, however you imagine it. But everything has an element of spiritual. Why wouldn't marriage, along with the accepted aspects such as being emotional, sexual, physical and mental? When I consider marriage as being beyond Josh and I, beyond humanity, beyond this world, it seems more possible. If anthropologists, those who study what it means to be a human at the most fundamental levels, have concluded that marriage is flawed as a human institution, I think that means something. It IS flawed at a human level. Which is why its so nice to know it goes beyond that. There is hope yet for marriage in God.

Politickle '08

2008-11-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Election Day! I just returned from the polls with my proud "I Voted" sticker beaming for attention my shirt. Why does voting feel so good? Even if I did believed our elections were fixed I have the feeling I would still feel great post-vote. I know I am generally easily entertained. But seeing all my fellow Americans at the polls with me, the smiling democrat giving me a sample ballot and the smiling republican.....it all just makes me happy.

Of late I have been in a quandary about the elections. Actually, that's not fully true. I was semi-interested pre-primaries. Especially the day before when I researched the candidates for a good six hours or so. But then I lost interested when it was a fight between dear Hillary and dearest Obama. I have tried to stay somewhat in tune with it during the debates, but since my initial research I pretty much wasn't. Though, thanks to my wonderful lunch lady friends I was forced to keep up, at least enough for conversation. So of late I have realized I can't go on forever saying that I am not sure who I would vote for. I mean, today at the polls I was very very tempted to change my mind last minute and vote for Mr. Libertarian just for the heck of it.

So, as that last sentence implied, I was really okay with not voting for who I voted for. How does one decided who to vote for when they don't really like those running? A friend of mine brought her daughter to my house today. She is almost three. She told me that she likes to vote and I asked her who she was voting for. She told me she was going to vote for "daddy." That's awesome. I wonder if her daddy would do a better job running the U.S. than these candidates. After all, he is probably "Pro Everything That I Believe" more than these guys are, abet, not practiced or knowledgeable in the realm of politics. I guess that means he wouldn't be a good candidate (no offence), but still, I'm just thinking of any alternatives.

My first problem is that I really like Obama. I mean, who doesn't? He is a nice, handsome, "family" man. Fully charismatic, great personality; why wouldn't I like that? He stands for change, something we all crave. But, as my husband says, "Change isn't good when its going the wrong direction." And I guess that is my biggest problem with him. Not that he has less experience than McCain. Honestly, that doesn't bother me at all. According to studies, experience doesn't determine how good of a president you'll be, examples being FDR and Lincoln (http://www.electoral-vote.com/evp2008/Info/experience.html). What bothers me is that we share very few actual beliefs in common, or at least legislatively.

I like the fact that he cares about the poor (supposedly, or at least his party does). Caring for the poor is something that is mentioned hundreds of times in the Bible. This must be a top-ranking value to God. Obama supposedly stands for the environment. I think that is another value to God, He told us to take care of creation after all.

Obama is the anti-war item on the ticket. I don't really like war, though I think I am far from informed enough about this war to make a decision about it being right or wrong. I think its somewhere in between. Personally I hate war; its gross and greatly disturbing. Although in the Old Testament God was anything but anti-war, I get the feeling Jesus isn't pro-killing people for the heck of it. Is this war "for the heck of it?" And what about where we are now, what is the right or wrong decision about what to do next? When it comes to what will be done about it, I don't think Obama can really decide what is safe/best to do for all parties without being in that leadership position (and he probably won't know then either). Who knows what he will really do, even if he doesn't like war and is the anti-war candidate. McCain, he is experienced with war, and so in that sense I trust him more. Yet, I don't know if he will happily go around trying to bring every country into a democracy or not either. I like to think he won't, but he is pretty comfortable with war. I am far from being against foreign intervention, but I think when to intervene is a fine line. Hence, although I would love to avoid more deaths, I don't think I can really know in advance what any candidate will do this coming year or four years from now when it comes to war. Decisions like that can't be made in advance without knowing all the details. Hence, I don't feel like I should vote with war being a determining issue.

There are others things, too. I am against the No-Child Left Behind Act, I hate the Patriot Law and Guantanamo. I am generally pro-immigration and am convinced there is no good solution for that issue. I am not concerned about the economy because I already have come to terms with what I consider a fact that someday it will crash completely. I am not too concerned with gay marriage although I am not pro-gay marriage. For the most part I don't think its worth fighting about and don't think it has much to do with this election. I am also pro-gun ownership. And, as I consider both candidates liars, who knows about anything they say. I have many more opinions, many of them more formed on issues I care much more about. Yet these are generally not political opinions, and therefore don't really matter when it comes to this vote. and who knows if what I consider to be good now I will consider to be good later. Yet either which way, some things I have no doubt I will think are still important years from now.

Recently I have been getting a bunch of e-mails from friends of mine. Christian friends of mine. They disgust me. They declare that McCain is God's candidate. I don't think God has a candidate. I think He leaves it up to us to decide. I think He allows who He wants to be in office whether they stand for the same thing as Him or not. Its no secret in the Bible that He will allow a bunch of wicked people to rule, even if He doesn't like them. Jesus wasn't political. I am sure He didn't love Caesar's oppression on His people, but Jesus willingly paid taxes to him without a fight. Jesus wasn't a zealot. And Jesus isn't a Democrat or a Republican either. It disgusts me that people I know really believe that McCain is God's answer and we are being bad followers of Jesus if we don't vote for Him. Its like those stupid e-mails that say you don't love God is you don't forward the e-mail along. Its ridiculous! I think my lifestyle is much more saying than what trashy e-mails I forward or don't, and for which candidate I voted for. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a healthy responsibility to my country and even to God that I vote. But I also think God might happily direct some of His followers to vote for opposing candidates. Maybe they see different things God values within that candidate, and that's why they vote for that person. Maybe those opposing votes would bring about the results God would want. Whatever. The traditional right's "bad guy" might be whom God wants to win for the sake of purposes He has that we don't understand. I don't claim to know the mind of God and I don't think we should either, even if we do read the Bible or believe God is speaking to us. Its fine to have an opinion, but I don't think its fine to condemn others based on your voting understanding unless the Bible says "Vote for McCain in 2008." And I am pretty sure I've never read that in there. Voting just isn't an issue in the Bible, not like Jesus' love and justice is.

I think I have just wanted to rebel against all those who say I must vote Republican. I want to be liberal because I am sick of people who follow Jesus claiming to be right (on the right). I've known too many 'Christians' who care about abortion and gay-marriage but don't care about Jesus or people. Talking with those who are voting for Obama is sometimes a breath of fresh air (unless they are only voting for him because they are mesmerised by his charismatic beauty). I had an argument with a friend of mine the other day who totally thought I was a liberal and then wouldn't believe me when I told her that I tend to be politically conservative. To her I was a liberal. I didn't mind it that she thought that, as long as she understands what I really stand for. I have a few friends who I am so thankful are there because they get what I am feeling. I at least don't feel this way alone. And in that, so here we were, looking for someone, something to convince us to vote for Obama just so we don't have to vote for the McCain we don't really like. Or maybe for me, so I don't have to succumb to the traditional right that I am getting so much mail crap about.

And although I can truly say I would have preferred to vote for Obama, I never found a good reason to. I only found two real reasons which made me vote for McCain. One is that I agree more with his value system when it comes to who he would place in the supreme court. I read a quote of Obama the other day which was rather old, from 2001. Although the context is about rights for African Americans, he says some things which make me scared that he will not hold up our constitution (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_xNyrzB0xI). The longer versions also talk about how he wants to redistribute wealth, which is what he was receiving a lot of negative attention about in this past week. I personally don't know how much or how little Obama wants to adhere to the constitution; from just one quote he said years ago, its hard to know what he really believes. Yet, I can say that I do want people in the supreme court who are conservative and who are trying as hard as possible to adhere to the constitution; judges I do not think Obama would put in place. Even if I might not prefer some conservative decisions this type of supreme court might put into place, I think it is much safer for America as a whole to have more conservative decisions made than liberal decisions. In extreme decisions like those coming from the supreme court, I like there to only be change that is good change (in which was deliberated forever and agreed by all before it was actually declared "good"). I have little doubt I wouldn't like Obama's picks for court.

The other issue is the abortion issue. I am not someone who will vote for whatever crack-smoker just because they declare themselves to be pro-life. Even so, I apparently hold it to be a high value. Abortion hurts. It hurts women terribly much. It hurts little humans. I can argue why abortion is wrong, and would love to hug any woman who has been through the experience with the little understanding I have of what it would feel like to be her. Yet, I really don't want to debate why I think abortion is both wrong and should be illegal right now, though I very easily could. I don't have high hopes for it becoming illegal again, and I think it would be really hard as that would also force a culture shift, which might not work too well. I would love it to end, even if its just by people understanding how life forms in the womb and seeing their alternatives to abortion. Yet that is one thing that is pretty clear about Obama, he is extremely pro-abortion. I have read conservative opinions on this issue with him, and liberal opinions on this issue with him. Yet, no matter who writes it, he still comes out as very much against ever having anyone call what is in the womb as being a legal human (or even post-womb in an attempted abortion). It would have been nice if even as being pro-choice that he at least still would try to reduce abortions. So, as I really do believe abortion is murder, this is a big turn off to Obama.

All say, I voted today. I think part of me will be disappointed with whoever wins today. Part of me really wants Obama to win. I want to see what "Change" he will bring. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be terrible. Who knows, that's the scare exhilarating part! I am excited to see what he would do. I will be sad if McCain wins. I will feel like we are in the same rut, with the same politics and the same old America which I think can improve. Yet, at least I will feel more reassured that somethings might be okay, even if they are the same. Yet on the other hand, he might do things I terribly don't want, taking more rights and lives away under the name stopping terrorism when maybe it is his administration who are really the terrorists. I don't really know what will happen with him either. Whoever wins, I have a healthy fear of the change which is to come (or not come). Either which way I will experience a little grief and remorse. Either which way I will have a little bit, if not a lot of excitement of what is to come. And lastly, no matter who, I will choose to respect them as the leader of my country and pray for them to do the best job possible. After all, I am sure either candidate would probably do better than me! Or at least I'm glad I don't have to have the job!

I am thrilled I get to be part of this exciting democratic process of shaping my country. This is a historical day no matter what, either a Black man will win or a woman VP. That's a pretty big deal stemming from the civil rights movement or the women's right movement. Although I might never find a candidate in my life time whom I both like and actually support, I am thankful that I am not oppressed and enjoy the blessing of being an American.

Pro What I Believe

2008-11-03T17:07:00.000-05:00

I am not gung-hoe about any candidate. In fact, I pretty dislike all of them. After all, no candidate is "Pro Everything I Believe." No candidate is even close. And last I knew, that was a good thing to vote on: what we believe, right? Or more specifically, as a follower of Jesus I am pretty sure I should vote for what matters to Him (as I agree). Yet, this is where it gets difficult. That has a lot to do with the fact Jesus really didn't care about politics, or at least that is what I understand when I read the gospels. He cares about people. A whole lot. Everyone was expecting the "Messiah," the guy whom they understood would take back David's rightful place on the throne. They wanted the political hero, the zealot who would take back Israel with a vengeance and reap justice and return peace. I have no doubt Jesus was down with that, but He was very clear that it wasn't the time for that even though He totally could have then. Yet when Jesus could have gotten all sucked into the realm of ruling, instead He was determined to show His followers this was a time for humility, a time for serving others and loving people to the fullest degree. He claims He will come back some day and do the whole ruling deal, bringing justice and make our world into the most perfect utopia. I believe that. I am pretty sure its not going to happen as long as humans are on the throne, at least.

I know some of you have heard me talk so happily about socialism. Whether its my Communist Celebration Chili (which tastes awesome by the way) or the fact I rather admire Robin Hood who steals from the rich and gives to the poor (i.e., redistributing wealth), either which way, maybe you could call me a sympathizer. I like the fact that the first followers of Jesus shared all the had, ate together and gave everything of theirs to who needed it. I think its ideal. Yet, ideal or not, its impossible with human nature around. Pretty soon that didn't work out when the "followers" of Jesus started lying about what they were giving. Apparently that was pretty unjust and wrong in God's eyes, as those who did that died instantly. I don't think God was trying to teach a lesson that socialism is evil. But that's an example of how it can't work. People are power hungry or money hungry, which makes socialism into a scary system when it is actually in effect. When we were in China those we met completely glorified their government, not realizing how little opportunity, life, and how much oppression they were under within that communistic system. My husband also raised another good point the other day, that within a socialistic government there is no motivation to work for anything. Of course, if everyone was perfect they would joyfully work hard for the beauty of loving their neighbor in the name of justice. So, once again the ideal of socialism falls short unless everyone is like God, and perfect and self-less in every way. So, despite those reasons as being extreme downfalls to the system, I think I would like socialism.

Yet, as that obviously can't work out, there is then the idea of a theocracy. This can go wrong pretty easily with the very likely possibility of a dictator being in charge. But even if there was a perfect monarch on the throne to beautify the Musketeers' motto "all for one and one for all," there are other problems. The first of which would be that it depends on which religion the theocracy is based. Currently there are many Islamic theocracies. I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to be part of their kingdoms. I guess that would have a lot to do with the fact that I disagree with Islam as a religion. You've gotta get the right religion on the throne. And no, that would not be Judaism either, following the example of the old testament. I think that can teach us a lot about God, but honestly, Jesus came to free us from that system and fulfill it at the same time. It is not current, no matter how many Christians want to glorify it. Seriously, we'd all be missing body parts or have been put to death by now if we lived under this system. Us girls would be hidden away for much too long of the month, there would be dead sacrificial animal blood everywhere near the temple, and we'd never get to eat ham for Christmas (Excuse me, the Festival of Lights). There were a lot of benefits of it at the time, but it never worked out because God's people wanted power, abused power, didn't listen to God, and never shared God with others. It might have been an ideal if God was really in charge of it, with perfect justice and yet mercy being the ruling factors......but because of the choice of the people, it is the not the ideal. Maybe in a case where we could remove human nature and free choice once again.....

So, in the end we have a democracy. Its wonderful. And scary. Here we are, with our free choice making decisions again......by the end of tomorrow the choice of the people will decide what direction our country will go in for the next four years and beyond.

Who Is Buddha or any of those "Figures?"

2008-10-27T13:48:00.000-04:00

I wonder what people would tell me if I asked who Buddha is. I wonder what people would tell me if I asked who Krishna is. I wonder what most Americans would say about Muhammad. But I don't really have to wonder who people in NOVA think Jesus is:

In this context Jesus is asked about as if He is a person. Typically, I think most consider the concept of Jesus as just that, a concept. An idea, a religious symbol, a philosophy. There aren't very many individuals who are the center of a belief. I consider the above mentioned people for the most part historical figures who started a way, or, a religion. And that is if I actually pull them out of the "concept" category and consider them people. But Jesus? Jesus is different, and I think He has been gotten wrong. Not only is it hard for most to think of Him as a person in the first place, but even if they do something is missing. Yes, He did start a "way," just like those other dudes. But that way is HIM. The Way is the person. Now that's a little different than those other dudes. Hum. I am content just to ponder what that really means for awhile . . . so off I go. Bye!

The Not So Brave Me In the NOVA World

2008-10-24T22:06:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder about my friends, my life, my place. My husband has been pretty sick recently, going to bed before nine, skipping out on life because he is too out of it. I also have been sick, but as its carried on for a good four weeks now, I have been trying to do stuff while sick as otherwise I go stir crazy (unless I just sleep constantly, which I actually think I could pull off). I don't really think I hide behind my husband when it comes to social stuff. I just prefer his presence as a safe person to return to when there is no one else to talk to at the big party, I always have a guaranteed seat next to him, and its just nice to have someone to enter the room with you (making you feel like your not alone). I guess those are some of the nice benefits of being married, of which I am thankful for. I am generally pretty outgoing but I still have those brief moments of "What if I feel alone? Panic!", and therefore like to have a comfort zone of people I know I am safe with when I feel unsafe.

So though I am trying to be more brave and be okay by myself in the NOVA World with older, more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more educated people than me . . . I am still practicing.

Example: Sunday I went out to lunch with people after church. It was pretty much a bad experience. Maybe I'll tell you a little more about it in my next blog entry, but for now I'll just say this part. I was there long before anyone else, and was beginning to think that they changed the location without telling me. In reality, they just took a longer than normal time to clean up and get there. Since I was first, I chose a spot that wasn't the best, but I thought it was a guarantee that I wouldn't sit alone. Ya right. Somehow in large groups things like that just don't always work out. They were freaked out there wouldn't be enough space, so little clumps of people saved other tables, and my large one was sporadic with people, with no one near me. I generally know everyone loves me. Yep. They are my family. But they didn't feel like my family. No one wanted to sit next to me (Or maybe I should more honestly say that no one bothered to). I had been rather depressed that weekend and no one asked me how I was. It was annoying, because I really try to do that for other people (or at least I think I do), so that they don't sit alone and have someone they can talk with. But apparently my efforts don't go both ways. Finally another lady sat near me, whom I was excited about because I think she is generally lonely and I was hoping to maybe make her feel accepted. In turn, before I could move next to her, a couple who is pretty much impossible for me to have a conversation with sat down across from me because there was no where else for them to sit. I felt bad, because then I couldn't move next to the lady I wanted to without being rude to them. But I felt bad for them because I wasn't exactly the best person suited to make them feel welcome themselves, and I am sure they didn't. As I thought they would, though I tried multiple awkward conversations attempts, they all failed. Then, my good friend who I was aware was pretty depressed sat on the other side of my baby. She also tried awkward conversation with those across from us though I knew she really didn't want to talk, she was just trying to be brave herself. She was trying to be brave with people she know are her "family" but don't always feel like it. All to say, the people I did want to try to talk with, her, and the other lady, were too far away in that busy loud room so we couldn't actually hear eachother. I mean, there was some good too. A friend of mine knew I wasn't doing well and tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't really hang around me as it probably wouldn't be best. And my pastor took my daughter from me, which was pretty nice of him. And though I am glad I didn't go home, and feel depressed there instead, It wasn't a great experience.

Example Two: So, outside of this church experience, there is my neighborhood experience. I love my neighborhood. I love the community we have here which was probably the biggest reason we wanted to move here. But honestly, I feel like I have an amazingly hard time fitting in. I look at the other families who don't fit into the "click" of neighbors I am with, and I kinda feel sorry for them. How would they get into this 'wonderful' click? Is there a hazing ceremony I was unaware of that they can do? I am in the click by default, because we are best friends with some of the people in it. If it wasn't for that though, I wonder how many of those people would have ever said hi to me. So often I can't get beyond any small talk, and the small talk really doesn't last long. I pretty much seem to have nothing in common with any of them, which is why. I get a long best with the men, but all I can pretty much do is ask about their work, which runs dry. They don't ever ask me anything, which doesn't surprise me. I could be the most famous artist or write New York Times Bestsellers, and they wouldn't know. The women I can talk with about kids. Yet their kids are all a lot older, and well, how long can you talk about kids? Or maybe I should say, how long do I have enough patience to talk about kids? Especially when I don't think any of us really want to talk that much about them. Okay, its not only people with kids. I'd probably fare better if I could actually play a sport. But I can't, and because of that I really don't add much to the neighborhood except a cute baby who makes all the kids go "ahhhh." Yes, I am sounding pretty pessimistic. Yes, we like hanging out with our neighbors, heck, we went on vacation with them! I just don't know how to get past those walls, and just everything else that makes me feel like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "I don't belong here just in case it wasn't obvious already."

Tonight someone in the neighborhood is throwing a party, an adult-only party. I was hoping on going, but as the person who invited me never actually officially invited me, it was kinda awkward to plan on going. Last night that finally got cleared up (though I guess somewhat awkwardly through my friend who was like, "Hey, weren't you going to ask them to come? You never actually did!"). But as I was never really invited, I was never told what time it was, or the more important detail that it is a costume party. All to say, by the time it finally has come about, with my husband and I being sick, he went to bed. I don't feel well, but I kinda want to go. Technically I could walk two doors down and go right now. But then I couldn't find a costume. And just thinking about going to that party by myself is one of those things that I can't seem to overcome in my mind. I really wish Josh was awake and would go with me. But as Stacy said, it is pretty much ZERO probability that after he is asleep he will go anywhere with me : ) If I went alone It would be fine. I'd probably have a lot of awkward small talk. I'd eat a few things, drink some sugary soda or something else bad for me while I am sick (or a fuzzy navel, which is bad for me when pregnant). I might have fun. I'd try to hum some Rockband songs which I can't sing now as my singing-voice is pretty much non-existent with this cold. I could always sit next to stacy and jill if all else fails and they would get stuck being my "social comfort zone" because I just don't fit in. So, I could have gone and still could go and be fine. In fact, I am kinda mad and unhappy that I am not. I mean going shows that I care about people in this neighborhood, that I want to be a part and give my part. It might be meaningful, which I hate missing out on. But, honestly, I have no energy to be a fake me hiding all that is real and deep down inside because people just don't get me because I am not like them.

And maybe thats the thing that gets me so yucky about living with these relationships in NOVA. Is that I feel forced to not be me. Not because people are making me not be me. Maybe its just because I am beyond what is normal and they don't have a paradigm to fit me in. Which isn't bad, its just the part outside the paradigm is ignored because its not understood. And hence, I feel like I am fake because only the tip of my iceberg is being spoken too, whereas the rest lies underneath dying to break free and be recognized as existing. Or you could even say though I would love to be real with those around me, they don't want that because that is something they don't know how to deal with. Its like the time I had a conversation with a person who had just taught on being real with people. The person asked me how I was, and I said I was terrible. They were totally shocked by my answer and changed the subject right away. Hence, a lesson is learned that even if people want you to feel like you can be real, they really don't know how to handle it. I wonder if I do the same to others.

Anyways, in this week I have had one successful example where I kept going and trying even when it sucked, and another which I didn't fail at because I didn't even try it out. Maybe next week I'll be braver. Or maybe not. I'm still practicing.

Food Personalities

2008-10-20T14:56:00.000-04:00

I do a lunch group thingy where random women/moms come over on tuesday. Their children fill up my living room (in which there is constant banging, happy squeals, occasional yelps mixed the the words of imaginations working hard) and the ladies all scrunch around my kitchen table piled with food we bring (which gets small very quickly). This week we are doing our personalities in food. I thought I'd share what I was.

I thought I was a fruit bowl. Not just any ordinary fruit bowl, we are talking about the ones made from a watermelon rind, with skewers of fruit chunks coming up in fashion designs on all sides of the bowl. Strawberries and blackberries and raspberries, some concord grapes and melon pieces and nectarine pieces drizzled with sugar-lemon juice. Yep. That's how I see myself.

Now some of my friends were not satisfied with that image. I don't know if its just too exciting for them, or if they just didn't see that as practical or ethnic. Or more likely, it reminded them of the business that makes those now, and I really don't seem to fall well into a business format. For whatever the reason, they thought I was sushi. I am down with sushi, in fact I really really like California rolls. I didn't think it fit me well, though, as it wasn't sweet. And even if I am not sweet, I like sweet food! I am not sure if I can let that go. Along with the fact I don't really think sushi has enough color. But I am okay with sushi if it has a big hibiscus flower on the side of its plate, and wasabi and ginger for garnishes. Not that I actually really like those, its more so it adds some color and spice. So, we agreed on sushi.

I decided to be sure of what I really was by taking some of those online quizzes. Yes, this is what I do all day *wink*. The first one said I was a tomato. Really? A tomato? That's kinda....boring. The reason it said I was a tomato was because "I am colorful but I have a hard time making up my mind and deciding on things." Hum. I just never realized tomatoes were indecisive before. But, I've learned since taking this quiz that I must be wrong. Tomatoes are the ESSENCE of indecisiveness, thank you cheesy online quiz for teaching me the truth!

Ironically, the next quiz I took said I was Mexican food because I am "spicy but dependable." Alrighty. I generally think of dependable and unable to make up your mind as opposites, but I guess they aren't. And I really am indecisive. And I generally am dependable, at least I try to be and think I am pretty faithful to my friends. Of course, this might have been a learned tribute as opposed to a natural characteristic. I don't feel bad when friendships come and go. Does that mean I am not dependable? And I don't always write e-mails back. Hum. Anyways, I do get the Mexican food. I was thinking maybe I could be Mexican food, but then I would have to fight my friend for it who I already declared was fajitas. I can't be fajitas because I don't like the veggies in them. But oh, I love Mexican food!

Lastly, I took a quiz of what junk food I am. Apparently, to them, I am Chocolate Kisses:

"You are creative, complicated and flirty, although perhaps a bit disorganized and unpredictable! You're a great example of a 'melt-in-your-mouth' personality wrapped up in a colorful package!"

You know, I would have never called myself Chocolate Kisses. Since when are Chocolate Kisses complicated? Unpredictable? Boring, yes, but unpredictable- um, no! I do agree with the "melt-in-your-mouth" aspect of Kisses. Though that could be kind to say about me, I am not too sure I melt in people's mouths. Innocently, of course. Or maybe its a mean thing. I am so little of anything I conform, melting away into what people want me to be until there is nothing left of me. Oh, that's bad!

Anyways, I am still trying to decide which of these things I really am. After all, this is our lunch tomorrow. Happily, I do not have to be defined by online quizzes which are made for people to post on their sites and feel better about themselves although none of their friends will ever read the quizzes (or at least not take them seriously). I guess we all have the incentive inside to want to like ourselves and identify ourselves. I think God does better at that than I do. Or, if we'd like, at least we have the option to go to lesser sources for our self-definitions such as online quiz gurus or our local Starbucks:

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!"
(Joe Fox, You've Got Mail)

River of my Life: A Lot Makes me Happy (apparently)

2008-10-06T22:03:00.001-04:00

I am rather happy to be living the life I am living. Its a happy night.

Our life group just left. I was in a scurry to get them sitting nice and pretty, our living room was a wreck just before they came, toys and markers scattered on every surface of our hardwood floors. But that was worth it in itself. How happy is an Avi taking markers out of a box? A happy Avi indeed. Besides, I babysat a little boy who goes to our church today. He had fun with the toys too. I have no doubt his parents were happy to have someone watch him. And, happily, we get to hang out together for dinner just because I watched him. That means we maybe are going to become better friends with them. Ya, the mess was worth it.

Our life group had an awesome discussion. We had to be open, even vulnerable talking about what we believe, our experiences, and our understandings of the Bible. An extremely controversial subject didn't divide us, it just made us so much closer. I left it, along with the others, with the conclusion that God is alive, He is here among us and He is speaking to us personally today. It was just so cool. If this is my small group, I want to hang out with them and talk with them about God and life every night. It was really worth cleaning the kids' mess so they had a place to sit down.

My husband is out at some friends playing music, possibly being the "salvation" of the band this weekend, stepping in to sub while the main guitarist is out. That just might mean the world to the band head, who's birthday is tomorrow, and the drummer in our life group. And on top of which, it makes me smile to know his talents might be used, that only makes our family more alive. Even if nothing happens with that, I can't help but admire him for being willing to step out of his comfort zone and be used this way.

I am also thinking about joining the band, which is kinda scary for me. I haven't been part of a a band for 4 years or so now, and I have never been part of a extremely musically oriented band such as this (as opposed to more of a worship focus). I must admit, I am nervous as my skills aren't too refined, and I am afraid I will start yelling at everyone to stop stressing out and just be concerned with God, not performances. But hey, if God sees purpose in me being part of this I am willing. Tomorrow I am supposed to "try out" so I guess we'll see how that goes. I am glad Josh was gone for awhile tonight doing music stuff because it made me think of music, play the paino and sing for awhile. That makes me very happy, along with the fact that maybe it helps me sound better (which could be useful tomorrow).

My friend who lives with us is going through a really hard time. Sometimes we come across tough decisions, and she is totally in one of those intense situations now. On top of which, she was really sick today. Sometimes I don't know how to be a friend to her, but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to show her love. In fact, I am pretty sure sometimes I do a really bad job at being her friend. Today she helped calm my fussy daughter while I cleaned the living room, burnt my cookies and made our dinner. I filled up her cup with water, told her to ring the bell for me if she needed help on her sickbed and tried to be there for her when she cried. I am so thrilled at how her living in our home has blessed us, and has given us a chance to bless her. I have seen her grow in ways and become a different person who I am proud to say just keeps getting better, wiser, and closer to truth.

She introduced me to another friend, a friend who at first I couldn't handle. Apparently my attidue has changed though, as am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. We had an awesome conversation last week which I can only describe as living with people = discipleship. I am not sure why she listens to me, but its kinda cool that she does (I hope I don't say anything stupid). She is coming to a dinner with me this week that I have the feeling might open her up to her whole new world of her favorite passion. That's just cool.

Tomorrow a few other of my friends are coming over. Sometimes we talk about God, sometimes we talk about food, but we always talk about our kids and politics. Honestly, they can be a crazy bunch of people, but they are real. And they love other people. And they want other people to join us; we aren't a click. So then maybe new people can also experience what it is to be real. And to have a forum to bounce ideas off of. I am the lucky one that gets to have them in my house every week. On Tuesdays when they leave I slump into a chair, wanting to pass out with exhaustion, but oh, what a sweet death it is.

A few other of those women will come with me to this dinner on Thursday night. Its for 1st Choice, the pregnancy crisis center I used to work for. Its always fun to go to, getting dressed up and eating a fancy meal in which I always have to ask josh what the proper etiquette for fork usage is. I am hoping my guests have a good time, and I am hoping the Center also has their needs met. What I really hope is to get people connected with a vision for something, that maybe, just maybe might be theirs to catch. I like sharing my passions old and new, hoping someone else will jump on the boat. Like my other friend who I used to not be able to handle. A lady I ran into at a store today was someone who I brought before to this dinner. It ended up being her thing and she was able to help out for awhile. So, just like that, I like to help things spread.

I am also excited because a girl I regularly get together with is watching Avi while we go to that. That makes me happy because Avi knows her, and I know her. I just really like it that I have a relationship with this girl, that I get to be there for her and kinda mentor her in her life. I don't know if I actually "help" her or not. But that she singles me out to hang out with during church, that must mean something, right?

On Sunday our neighbors came to our church. It was awesome. They were there, the people we chill with on our front steps with throughout the week, they came. How cool is that? And not only did they come, but they want to come back! Its so exciting to see how the relationships the Hills and us have with them are coming full-circle. They are seeing God, seeing love and are starting to seek Him out. Or at least, not pushing Him away. I mean, one of my neighbors who is very 'good' and doesn't need God, she totally was cool and listening to me when I nervously invited her to church. She didn't come to church, but she came to an event our church put on. I mean, really, that is something.

The Asian family next door brought us a part of their special ethnic cake today which she said they made specifically in mind to give us part. I guess our multiple left-over cakes we've been leaving with them have either rotted enough to make them feel obligated to give back, or they really appreciate our efforts to talk with them and wave back and forth to their kids. I am pretty sure its the later. One of the ladies also gave me some plants, some tomatoes, and another one gave me a birthday present for Avi. She was thanking me the other day for even just being interested helping other people learn English. She opened up and started to tell me about some of the hurt she has experienced within this year. That means something. Though some of our other neighbors despise them because they are Asian, we have the chance to show impartiality to all our neighbors by having a relationship with them.

This and that, there is always stuff going on. We have so many other friends we see randomly, have over for dinner on occasion, run into at Starbucks, drive to work with or see at the Dr. My life seems to be a quagmire of odd relationships that take turns here and there, sometimes down a winding river, sometimes over waterfalls. But when I look back on them I am always amazed at where the river has turned and wonder where it will go, intersecting again or rushing far away. I might not 'do' anything but I am sure doing a lot and knowing many.

I seem to recently be around people who are having a difficult time. This is ironic, because I am going through anything but a difficult time. I wish I could spend more time with my husband, yes, his work has been pretty intense lately. I wish my daughter was feeling better, she was a whinny-butt all day, blowing bubbles with her boogers. She isn't feeling well. I slept terribly all night, and I have morning sickness off and on all day. I get stressed over little things, like dinner or when I can have a date again with my husband. My concerns are small, and really, not very important or big. I am AMAZINGLY blessed. I had a friend yesterday who was experiencing a set-back that was kinda minor. In her eyes, it was huge, end-of-the-world huge. She had a crazy week and this was the end of it. We were able to just be with her, help her through it and help figure out the problem (okay, I didn't help her figure out the problem, Josh does that technical stuff, I just do the relational part). In the process another one of our friends bought us all our meal. Yes, very kind. And you know what that makes me be aware of? I am in a family. I am in the most amazingly family ever, of people who will sacrifice, love eachother, and die for eachother in various ways. I mean, we all got our stinky feet too. The bad moods, the annoyance at eachother, the freakin' out over issues that will work out as we let them. But we are intertwined, our lives collide and the Holy Spirit somehow works among us to make us into the most beautiful thing we could ever have on earth. We have life, we have community, we have Jesus.

RE: Politics and the well-trodden path in my mind a discussion on politics always takes me down....

2008-10-03T13:39:00.000-04:00

(This was written in response to comments in a political forum (in essence) some of my friends and I have)

I still think:

It would be really interesting to have all 4 people be together as co-presidents and co-vice presidents. Either that or make it into an Obama-Palin combo or McCain-Biden combo. I know, I know, that couldn't really ever happen and no one would ever agree. But can't I think the unrealistic would be exciting? Not saying I would "like it" exciting, but more so "interesting" exciting. I guess my creativity just can't help playing out in politics, also. The opportunities to mix the characters together is just irresistible, its like creating flower (or weed) bouquets. I guess its easy for me to say that as I don't particularly love any proper set of these guys, as you all probably know.
I still think I should make "Pro- Whatever I Believe" Buttons and sell them. Saying I had the resources to make, distribute, and effectively sell these buttons, how much do you think I could make by November if I copywrite this slogan? If anyone has a cheesy button machine I want to borrow it.....Seriously!
I still believe that someday the economy of the U.S.A. will REALLY actually crash. I read a great quote the other day in some big newspaper; I read it in the Times or the Post. It said something such as "You should financially start worrying when people stop trusting eachother." Of course, it was more beautifully written, but I thought it made a lot of sense. As soon as people stop thinking there is money (which would be a logical thing to think, as most people live off of credit, and as there is no actual "gold" or resource backing our money) and therefore stop trusting eachother with lending, banking, buying, etc.....we are screwed. That trust in our credit cards and loans is what keeps our economy going. Anyways, I could rant and rave about the economy again like Carrie, as I agree with her, but there is no need. I just believe we have a responsibility to God to manage our finances wisely, not to make us richer, but to pour it into building His kingdom while we actually have money we can pour into His kingdom. And trust me, we all have money we can pour into Jesus' concerns. Or even if you don't care about Jesus, you probably still think its good to care about some of His concerns.....the poor, hungry, thirsty, and sick: they still exist. They do along with all those oppressed in slavery, by governments and war, and those unjustly imprisoned. We are not assured of money in ten years, one year, or even tomorrow. But today while we have I think we should care. Wisely investing our money is not really investing into our economy, wisely investing in money is investing in people's lives. Okay, and there was that well-trodden path in my mind politics often brings me to. So don't be surprised if you hear it again *smile*

That the Cookie Says & What I Just Might End Up Doing

2008-09-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

Now I'm not too sure if God speaks through fortune cookies, but today I got one that said:

"You are capable of tremendous creativity."

In the past month or so I have been questioning God about what He wants me to do with my creativity, and I think I have the answer. Actually, I think I had the answer and since then I've been questioning if that is really what I should do because I doubt my creativity. You might have heard me say before that I am not an artist so much as a creative person who's creativeness sometimes comes out as art. Art has a difficult definition. Is it in the production? Must it require skill? Who determines aesthetic value? Part of the reason I love the movie Mona Lisa's Smile is that Julia Roberts challenges our paradigm of art; something which cutting edge artists and musicians are always doing.

Do I make art? I'm not always so sure. Some people might love it as art. I have no doubt others don't consider it as such. Its hard to set a value for your art and proclaim yourself as an artist, vying into the community of people seeking the same pedestal. These people who are also amazingly self and others critical, often emotional, and are constantly begging for worth at the same time they are oozing pride. Artists really are just a unique brand of people. Really. Go meet yourself an artist if you don't know one, and imagine surrounding yourself with that type of people. I am not too sure I want to go back into that world and set myself up as an artist.

Yet at the same time I think I might have stumbled across what it seems I should do. I am always coming up with new ideas of what I should "do" which I am pretty sure is why I shouldn't have done any of them. Whether a lawyer to fight for human rights, a teacher to reproduce my worldview, a writer to sneak ideas into the minds of the masses......I am always convinced I should do a new activity. I know I am a visionary, and some of the visions I have I really do hope to do someday. They are tucked away within my heart for another time. Either which way, I am constantly driven by the calling I believe God has given me to "change the world." What's really ridiculous is that I actually believe that is what I am supposed to do, unlike, I am guessing, 98% of the population who is like "sure, whatever."

How the heck do you change the world? I really don't know how to do that. I generally used to think big, until I moved to Ashburn. Then I started feeling so hopeless and fighting the phrase "just change your corner of the world." Okay, I have become okay with that idea as long as it is one corner at a time *smile*. I guess I've known for awhile that my life is supposed to do with my family (Josh, Avi, baby & extended family), creativity (art and music), and something international (very vague, I know....travel, missions, cultures, international justice issues). Also somewhere in there is loving people, and helping other people with their struggles and all the things I am gifted at doing (whatever those might be at whatever time). But generally, over the times I have sought God about what I am supposed to do with my life, this is what He has showed me.

Honestly, for the most part, since I have moved to Ashburn, I know I have been establishing my family and have been growing by leaps and bounds in maturity, humility, selflessness, not finding my identity in what I do and a ton of other things. Okay, maybe none of you see that, but really, if you could compare me with how bad I was before in these ways, you'd see a difference (even if I'm still bad now). On a not so positive note, I have also grown more reserved in self-conscious way, struggle with depression and purposeless and have stopped playing and writing music to a large extent. Yet it seems maybe, just maybe, I am moving into a new season.

Okay, moving beyond my unnecessarily huge preface: So, what is it? What am I going to do? So this is what I've been pondering. I collect old furniture and such people needlessly throw away in our area. I love to paint them and refurbish them. If I could sell them as art, I could make a profit. If I could make a profit, I could help by giving money to all the international issues I care so much about and want to make others aware of. Therefore I am changing the world (although not in a massive way) by taking my creativity, using it to bless the nations, and all the while still able to invest in and care for my family first. And, on top of which, it is actually possible, like now! Generally I come up with these things that I'd have to change a lot, go back to school to add to my education, and are often conflicting with other important things in my life (such as having another baby). This has to be the first time that this has not been the case.

I am not too sure I even remember how this idea came to be, except it suddenly came to me while lying in my bed one night, unable to fall asleep. Since then it has taken a greater form. I've been thinking over it a lot, planning how it would work, talking about it with Josh and some other people, and praying about it. I have my doubts if it would work. I often wonder why anyone would buy my work in the first place. People have before, but not enough for this to seem like a promising endeavor. I have put something on Craig's list and it hasn't sold. Part of me has been doing this as a Gideon's fleece. Therefore I wonder if I should take it as a sign from God I shouldn't do this or if I am not trusting God by using this as a Gideon's fleece when everything else He seems to be saying is go for it. There is a lot more personal stuff in how God has been speaking to me, and I won't go there now. But all to say, I keep getting a vibe that God wants me to step out, trust Him to do this big thing of selling my art, and see my worth in Him. I kinda like that idea. It gives me shivers as it is so....dangerous. We like to ask God to give us big visions, not really to have the faith for them to come about. So, although this is actually a very possible reality for my life right now, its still big enough to make me need a big good God. Its exciting to be on this limb.

So, there is my idea. I guess by sharing it on my blog I am taking another step forward by making it public. Now that I've got that over, hopefully I'll find the time to share with you the plans of how I'll actually maybe do this. Exciting! Yey!

Baby's Birthday #2

2008-09-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I have the official count now: I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was right, I am not nine weeks along as originally though. It is weird that we have known we are pregnant for 5 weeks already, thanks to First Response, which, mind you, ripped us off for that little digital pee stick (I'm still slightly bitter I bought the wrong test. Though as it was so early, another one might not have picked up the pregnancy that soon).

Anyways, I thought I'd share the happy news. The due date is May 5th, 2009. The baby looks pretty blobish, with a slight semblance to the baby in-utero shape. Yet above is what it technically looks like right now. We have a good heart-beat of 150 beats per....minute? Whatever it is, it is healthy. So, that's about it. Happy baby!

Avi's Activities

2008-09-16T18:28:00.001-04:00

Avi has been getting a little more active of late. She still doesn't walk but she is a creative little 'fellerina when it comes to exploring the world. Here are activities of hers in the past days:

-Climbing up our staircases. She is becoming a climbing pro. Amazingly, she always passes by the power tools and keeps going up, up, up. Yesterday she was starting on the stairs to the loft by the time I found her.

- Today she did an exciting magic trick. She actually pulled a placemat out from under a vase of flowers.....and the vase stood still. It was pretty cool.

- One of her most, no, her FAVORITE place in the house is the toilet. She loves playing in the toilet water (whether there is something or nothing in it). She thinks its hilarious to splash the water about, and if she can she'll throw something in it. She likes the toilet downstairs, in her room, in our room and in Target equally the same. Apparently she doesn't have toilet preferences. Just as long as the lid is open.

- Other activities include emptying the recycle bin, emptying the Tupperware cupboards, pretty much emptying anything there is to empty. Be forewarned: If she empties your plate, she will also do you the honor of throwing it on the floor.

- Flipping through the mail and any magazines is also an important task. She will often follow this by spreading them nicely on the floor. Working on a collage no doubt.

- She likes to delete e-mails and change the settings on the computer. Often when using it, she will sneak up and start hitting the keys before I can move her. This has resulted in deleting long e-mails, stopping movies, posting things (which should not be posted), and changing our whole computer language into Chinese Characters. Very useful.

- Another past time is chewing on cords or plugs. Actually, this pas time is SO last week. She hasn't been as interested this week.

- She is also mommy's bodyguard. She has the ability to follow me everywhere, even if it means trying to hold onto my legs while I am walking around the kitchen cooking dinner.

- Putting her headband on. Believe it or not she actually can do this. I just usually looks rather odd, as it ends up around her neck or semi-hanging on the back of her head. When I put her headband on I am pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks. When she puts it on I am also pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks.

-She has been trying to eat with a fork and spoon of late. She really has no skill. Today she was hamming it up, making these crazy faces anytime I would give her the fork. She then proceeds to put it in her mouth and either clap (cause she did a good job, obviously), or try to violently stab her plate. It is immensely rare if she gets anything on her fork, though. The way she holds her spoon (no matter how hard I try to reposition her hands) inevitably causes all her food to fall off before it reaches her mouth. Don't worry, though. She is still pretty happy that SHE put it in her mouth and not me.

-Lastly, she is a big dancer. Anytime she hears noise or music she starts dancing around, wiggling her body and laughing. It can be Mozart, screamo-rock, or alternative. The style doesn't matter, the sway does. Its really cute.

-Of course she loves, "walking" with daddy holding her hands, playing with her friends, looking at her books and playing with her toys. But, these formerly said things are her unique points. And oh how we love her.

Lovin' like a Milk Man (or Maid)

2008-08-06T23:53:00.000-04:00

(To be noted: the first paragraph of this entry isn't exactly worth reading)

It is late and I can't sleep. I have reached the sleepy cooled down state in my body, like a nap hangover. But my brain just won't be so still. In the morning I always wonder what I would write about. I often look at my journal or consider blogging, but I just can't think of anything worth saying. For some reason as soon as the sun falls below the horizon my mind often seems to wake up. Not necessarily smarts (debatable if I have any of those at all *wink*), but just thoughts. These deep analytical ponderings are where I attempt to figure out the puzzle of life, death, and Mancala. So here I am once again in that state: Partially asleep hoping I can stop the running train inside. And so I write.

Currently my mouth is numb. I have an unkind canker-sore inside my lip. It hurts, and its ache pulled me from my bed. I used the nasty medicine on it, that bright brown lava goo which you drip on. It burns at first, and then you contort your mouth in odd ways to attempt to keep the stuff from getting all over your tongue and teeth, as anything it touches it numbs. Once I drank from a cup Josh used earlier after he used this medicine. I started freaking out because my mouth was going numb and I didn't know why. Apparently it is powerful stuff, lingering on anything. This time I didn't do my typical mouth-dance to keep me from numbing up; I was just going to suck it up. And I am, numb all over. I keep licking the left side of my mouth as I am pretty sure I am drooling there, but I guess it just feels cold, the cold not being my spit. Instead I am drooling right from the center of my mouth. Very attractive. A numb mouth makes for great entertainment. If your easily self-entertained, that is.

On a deeper level, I have been laying in bed itchingly aware of my complacency. In fact, its slightly uncomfortable to acknowledge, but I think I am rather nominal. Since I pride myself as not being as such, or at least not wanting to be nominal, its kinda gross to admit it.

Yesterday I was challenged to fast from the dare I say it? From the love of my taste buds: creamy sweet coffee. I understand fasting as denying something as to prove that you are serious about something else. Hence, if one fasts from food, they are showing God that they are actually serious about what they are asking for (whether its praying for another person, an issue, or just to become closer to God). Of course, there is more to fasting than that, but that is a part of it. I don't particularly like to fast, and never have. Often I have out of guilt, mainly being I should do so because its spiritually the right thing to do for me to get what I want. Not exactly a great attitude, you see. I don't ever remember a time where I willingly enjoyed doing so (even if I have enjoyed the results). Generally when the idea of fasting comes up I try to squelch it right away. Its not that I am against it if it is actually necessary. Yet I am always trying to convince myself that it is not necessary. Do you ever do that? Try to convince yourself you can get the same results without a certain amount of effort? Maybe its just human nature, but I am pretty sure I am pretty lazy that way. Just pretty sure. There is a line somewhere between necessary and unneccesary. . . if I can just find where that line is I'll set up camp there eternally. If I do x y & z I'll will get whatever. But can I get whatever by doing just x & y? If so, heck ya, I am just going to do x & y! In this case I don't want the path less traveled. I want to path of least resistance. Which, come to think of it reminds me of some verses about the narrow path is the only one in following Jesus vs. that large road of least resistance which is safe to say does NOT lead to Jesus. Hum.

It is kinda pathetic to me that I won't willingly jump to do whatever makes God happy. I can barely even get myself to do what He asks me to do. When you are newly in-love you go out of your way to make eachother happy. When you are 'seasoned' in marriage you do what is comfortable, which generally means only doing what the other person asks for. But, oh, how much happier is the marriage for both people when you randomly (or always) are going out of your way (yes, serving selflessly) to make the other person happy?! It breathes life into the marriage! Its like vanilla ice-cream-drizzled blueberry pies and butterflies, like glorious sunshiney mornings and rainy cozy day hot-chocolate & popcorn by the fire. Its like singing birdies! Okay. Um. Sort of. Honestly, though, sometimes pulling a hammer out of your derrière is easier than to say "Thank you for doing the dishes." Why is that? Its not like its hard to say. But sometimes it requires so much gumption to barely tiptoe an inch out of your way to make the other person happy.

God seems to be a romantic. He's given flowers and sunsets and poems. Yet our relationship does not go both ways. I am still huffing and gruffing to get that sledgehammer out of my backside to make myself make Him happy, and often ignoring His requests to pick up 1% milk from the store for Him. Or whatever it is that God plainly asks of me. You know what I mean? Why do I go back and forth being like "is this really really actually necessary for my well-being, other's well-being, God's delight?" I mean, God seems to delight in me whether I am a flaking piece of crap (as long as I am acknowledging my dependence on Him) or if I am the brightest silkiest fastest-hoping bunny on the bunny trail. He likes me. But I don't seem to like Him. I always thought John 14 was kinda tough saying we only love God if we obey Him. But right now its easy for me to see its not a matter of us meeting at x y & z or we fall short; its not an emotional statement saying that doubtlessly He will reject me because I know I can't meet up to perfectly obeying, i.e., loving Him. Its pretty much a statement of fact that when you love someone you will be trying to love them. You should try to make them happy and get their milk they asked for even if its at 1 a.m. at the local only-place-open Harris Teeter so they can eat their freakin' tasty fiberous Mini Wheat's in the morning! It makes you happy to make them happy! That's why you should! Yep. Wouldn't that be nice? We don't believe in that selfless milk-maid relationships most of the time, though. Maybe when we are are starry-eyed in love. Generally the reality we choose is a reality of laziness and/or self-service which doesn't love just to love.

In the book of Revelations Jesus is talking to one of His churches saying they lost their first love. I am pretty sure I am not in love with Jesus like the 1 a.m. milk type of love. I sometimes cringe at obeying Him. I do as little as possible to get by. My spiritual life suffers because of this and the people I crave to reach out are also thus shafted. I don't want to be spiritually numb like my drooling mouth is.

I was going to write about a bunch of other stuff. I was going to talk about Avilynne and her idiosyncrasies. I was going to talk about how I wish others would challenge me and how I think I should be challenge (haha, I'd probably regret saying that later anyways). I was going to talk about how I think God wants me to teach English to my neighbor and that I am afraid of doing so, how I have a healthy fear of getting drunk and that I want to write a children's book, change the world and never leave the emotional safety of my mind although I long to go parasailing in all manners of life. I guess these topics will have to wait until the train keeps running in my mind some other sleepless night. In the meantime I will enjoy being slightly sparked with a bit'o conviction. If I can still feel it, I must be still alive. :)

Some Thoughts (Rather Serious, I Guess)

2008-07-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

1.) What if my life purpose was just to love my husband? Beyond just loving the person you are married to as one should in part of a life, but pouring out your all for your spouse. Or child. Or the old person across the street. Generally I don't normally think people live to impact just one person. But what if in some cases they did? I guess I am just realizing that God's love is so real and full that it might just want to love someone for a lifetime (and beyond) for no other reason. So, what if my only assignment in life was to show God's love to one person? Its just a crazy thought. Even if God knows individuals might never respond to His love, or share it with others, I think I have come to the conclusion that He might just love them their whole earthly lives anyways just because He wants them to know He loves them. Just because He wants to. That is an incredible thought to me.

2.) I've been thinking a lot about dying recently for whatever reason. Maybe knowing that I am not promised time, wondering to what degree I'd be okay with dying for a purpose, like if it helped other people come to know God or that it would impact an individual enough to change them (so that in turn they would change others). How willing would I be to be "poured out" as an offering of that degree? I might say I live for Jesus. But generally, living seems harder than dying (as that seems to take no effort whatsoever if the circumstances demand as such). Yet I think I would much rather live than die, or at least not just die for no reason. Like the typical dying just to die cause we all die someday.

3.) I really like my daughter. I am not too sure what bonds one to their kid, but something has gone on there, in between us at least. My theory is that when you have to love someone by your actions, you end up feeling the love for them. I didn't particularly "feel" love for Avi when she was born. I was not one of those moms who bond in a second. But something within the last year has totally bonded us. I feel sorry for mothers all around. After all, they have these kids who grow up, and the kid loves them as a parent, but the love will never be to the same extent back. Yet in spite of knowing that someday Avilynne might not like me, depending, I can't help but feel a certain sort of emotion for her. Its just shy of an addiction, as it lacks that "high" drive. Yet it is deep an rooted like that funky huge weed near my door, yet it is a beautiful and real plant. Anyways, I'm sure I'll share more thoughts about motherhood later; just to say I am amazed how much I love my child. These little people are amazing, and I am so privileged to "own" one, entrusted as I am.

Colour Light

2008-07-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

Colour Light
July 16th 2008

If I had to paint your heart,
What colour would it be?
Red or gold or molten,
Or honey-bee sweet in marigolds?

If I had to hold your hand,
What pictures would that paint?
Slow streams of bluish liquid,
Or quickity-splashes of daydreams?

When I see your mind,
What feelings will I feel?
Will I feel my favorite colours?
Will I feel my heart be faint?

Tingles up and down my spine
Roses light I wish to find
On that bed of water, dear
There they are when you swim near!

I sing
sing
sing
that you were near

I sing
sing
sing
that you still are:

And when I think
That all is lost
I'll sing of the colours you have made.